Reforging the Past
by NoniMiko
Summary: Koenma asked the boys to go on a mission to rescue one of his undercover spirit detectives whose own failed mission ended up in her capture and torture. The twist is that this detective is a person from the past Hiei would like to forget. Will Hiei help in the rescue efforts, and what will happen when/if this detective is rescued? Will the past come back to haunt them both?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't own anyone or anything, not any of the Yu Yu Characters or the Linkin Park song that is featured in this chapter. I just put the idea together. Enjoy!

Chapter 1

I don't have a lot of time for details right now" Koenma said curtly to the team surrounding his desk in Reikai (the spirit world). "A valuable member of my spirit detectives has gone missing on an assignment that admittedly I should not have sent her on, but did anyway. I was a fool. Neither I or any of my contacts have heard from her in. . . too long. . . and I need you all to find her and bring her back" Koenma finished, turning his chair to the wall to hide the fear he could not keep from his face.

"Ummm, sir?" Botan ventured, "Who is missing? According to my records all of your spirit detectives are accounted for."

"Well. . ." Koenma started embarrassedly, "You don't know everything Botan so, just believe me when I say she is missing. She is a double agent of sorts and very important to the demon world so her loyalty to our cause is generally kept a secret. I just told you know because. . . well BECAUSE SHE IS MISSING AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE IS AND THIS IS BAD!" Koenma yelled, losing his temper in his frustration and panic. Though Koenma meant to send the message that the discussion was over, his emotional reaction encouraged the gang to press him for more information.

Kuwabara took the bait first and said, "So uhhh, who is she?"

"THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT!" Koenma squealed, his appearance of a baby adding to the sense that he was having a temper tantrum.

"Koenma, I'm sorry but if you want us to find her sooner rather than later, we are going to need more information. The more we know, the better we will be able to use our individual talents to help get her back safely before something untoward happens to her, assuming it hasn't already" Kurama urged.

"Oh, you're right" Koenma sighed in defeat. "You just can't tell anyone. Her name is Hikari Ushido. She. . ." Koenma was cut off abruptly.

"is a short darkness demon of some power with long black and white hair and a fondness for tunics. Her empathic abilities border on telepathy as she is able to use mind links with those she is close to. She is gifted in a variety of martial arts forms as well as with a katana, throwing knives, and a bow and arrow. She is clever, intelligent, creative, and is such a stubborn loner that she makes me look approachable. Her singing will leave you haunted by its beauty and sadness forever. . ." Hiei trailed off to a finish if his description and turned to look at the window.

"Hey wait a minute shrimp, didn't Kurama say that was the name of your ex lover that one time when he was really drunk?" Yusuke asked, trying to hide his delight at pestering the usually stoic Hiei.

"Hn." Hiei responded, but failed to meet Yusuke's eyes. Kurama looked over sadly over that the window where Hiei sat, surprised by how much depth of feeling Hiei had for his once lover.

Before anyone else could start in on Hiei, Koenma cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "None of that matters now. Go get prepared for the mission and meet back here in an hour."

Reminded of the seriousness of their mission, everyone filed out. "Hiei, wait for a moment" Koenma called. Hiei stopped by the door, but didn't turn around. Realizing that was the best he was going to get Koenma spoke, "I understand this is a personal mission for you, however I need you to understand that it is an important mission, I needed the best of the best which is why I sought out your team. I needed your skills in particular, which is why I have to ask, do you still have your mental link with Hikari?"

Silence.

"Hiei, please. This is about someone's life here, someone who doesn't deserve to die. I shouldn't have sent her on that mission, this is my fault. Please don't punish her."

"I can still find the onna if I need to".

"Then I must ask you, please take whatever time you need to find her. We need to know what she can tell us about her situation and whereabouts. I am planning on sending you all to the location of her mission, but if you can find better information we will have a better place to start."

"Hn."

"Hiei, I know the people who found her. They will torture her to death in the slowest way possible."

Hiei put his hand on the door knob, showing he was preparing to leave the room. He couldn't afford to care about that ona again.

"They will break her" Koenma whispered.

And Hiei froze where he stood, the word break triggering a flood of memories he didn't want. She had broken him by her fear to trust, and in his hurt and frustration he shattered her in return. No one should be shattered twice in a lifetime, if someone could even survive such treatment at all. Shit. He owed that onna, he owed Hikari. Her name felt strange in his thoughts because it had been forced away for so long. Hiei didn't know how he felt about Hikari, and he didn't want to know. Perhaps he wouldn't have to know. Maybe this mission would simply be a rescue mission, and then he could go about his way. Hopefully. Hiei didn't want to love again, such things were too painful, and were not allowed to ever turn out well for the forbidden one. Finally Hiei filled the silence with his rough baritone, "I will look for her. Give me the rest of today." Without another world, Hiei was gone.

Koenma sighed deeply, and returned to his paperwork, while trying to decide whether he would send the others ahead, or have them wait for Hiei's report. If Hiei found out she was dead, there would be no point in sending his team, and he would have new problems to cope with. Her death would confirm the rumored coup against the spirit world was a reality and that they all were in serious trouble.

Hiei returned to his room to pull his cloak over his characteristic tank top, and then opened and jumped out of his window into the cool autumn air. Why the spirit world had to maintain the same weather seasons as the living world was beyond him, Makai, (the demon world) never put up with such idiocy as changing weather. The constancy of the darkness and stormy days in the demon world was much more practical and less cumbersome. Hiei ran at his usual lightning pace into the forest until he found an area so thickly shaded as color all the sunlight as a deep green glow. These forests were his only pull to the mortal and spirit worlds, he could never have such life at home, despite all of its character advantages. Hiei settled himself in one of his favorite trees, and after sparring the smallest of smiles to a nearby bird, he closed his eyes and sunk deep into himself.

Hiei looked for the cord of mental connection that belonged to Hikari, straining his mind to remember what was once so familiar to him. He imagined the dark purple tunnel of sorts, inlayed with sparks of grey and black and smelling faintly of living forests, rich earth, and sunshine, smelling of Hikari. Finding her in his mind took both longer and shorter than Hiei expected – he formed the tunnel quickly enough, but found its disarray and unkempt state difficult and time consuming to navigate. The tunnel had its usual share of mental traps and snares, with a few new ones it took Hiei time to untangle. Then the most troubling part was at the mouth of the tunnel when he walked straight into a sheer wall of mental energy. Hiei threw various attacks at the wall, without causing a ripple in its strength. He groaned in frustration. In the following silence Hiei realized the vibrations he heard from the wall were words, were, to his amazement and horrible, singing, Hikari's singing. As soon as he concentrated on the words, they flowed to his ears as if she were standing next to him, singing in his ear:

"I used the dead wood to make the fire rise

The blood of innocence burning in the skies.

I filled my cup with the rising of the sea

And poured it out in an ocean of the debris.

I'm swimming in the smoke,

Of bridges I have burned.

So don't apologize,

I'm losing what I don't deserve.

I held my breath as the clouds began to fall

But you were lost in the beating of the storm.

And in the end we were made to be apart

The separate chambers of the human heart.

I'm swimming in the smoke,

Of bridges I have burned.

So don't apologize,

I'm losing what I don't deserve.

It's in the blackened bones

Of bridges I have burned.

So don't apologize,

I'm losing what I don't deserve.

The blame is mine alone,

Of bridges I have burned.

So don't apologize,  
I'm losing what I don't deserve. . ."

Hiei shuttered, unable to listen to any more of the haunting words, her words. He knew she had written them just as intuitively as he knew it was her voice singing them. When he was able to compose himself he listened again, and realized the words were on a repeat reel of sorts, a last defense mechanism of her mind. She didn't realize he was here, or she would have confronted him, or at least responded to his presence. This confirmed Koenma's fear that Hikari was being tortured. She wasn't singing these words out loud, she was thinking them with all her soul, thinking them to ground her and guard her against being aware and present in whatever her physical circumstances were. This also confirmed that Hikari was still fighting and prevailing against her captors. There was hope. Though Hiei cringed at sharing such personal information about Hikari with the team, he jumped off the tree and raced to the castle – her life was worth more than his pride.

Koenma called the team back together as soon as Hiei entered his hall. Once Hiei had explained Hikari's situation, in the fewest words possible, Koenma asked the team to leave immediately for Makai, where he had sent Hikari weeks before.

Makai is an entire world, baka, where exactly in it did you send Hikari?" Hiei growled, his impatience and tension too apparent.

Koenma sighed, "Oh I suppose I will have to tell you everything."

"That would be helpful" Kurama said dryly.

Ignoring Kurama, Koenma continued, "You should all be familiar with Maze Castle from before, the Castle of Demon City where you defeated the Four Saint Beasts. Since that time Demon City has been quiet, relatively speaking, until recently. Apparently, since Demon City is not in the direct territory of any of the three demon kings, it seems to be a hot spot for rebels to gather. A few months ago I was given intelligence that the rebels were doing more than talking, they were preparing a plan to attack Reikai and breach the barrier between the Makai and the human world, through the destruction of the spirit world. Naturally I was concerned, so I sent Hikari to investigate as an undercover agent. Hikari is a. . . ummm. . . very good cover agent and I was receiving regular reports from her until three weeks ago, and since I haven't heard anything. I am afraid she has been found out" Koemna shivered.

"The cost of betrayal in Makai is punishable by the worst torture, until death" Kurama whispered as if to himself, even he couldn't keep the fear from his voice.

"Then you see the difficulty of the situation" Koenma continued. "I sent Hikari there, so if she has been found out and is under torture, as Hiei seems to have confirmed, then I feel duty bound to rescue her. . . and well. . . that's where you guys come in."

Is there a rebellion then?" Kurama asked, worried.

"I am afraid so" Koenma replied, knotting his fingers together, "but it seems to be in its beginning stages. It is apparently rather difficult to organize a band of demons to act together, so there still seems to be more time. Hikari said she was close to finding the rebellion's weak point when I stopped getting her reports. With any luck, upon her rescue we will have some better idea of how to halt the rebellion before it comes to war."

"Well then what are we waiting for" Yusuke exclaimed, and following his lead, the team ran from the hall.

"Do be careful, boys!" Botan called after them as one by one the disappeared into the portal to Makai. Botan turned to Koenma as she said, "Lord Koenma, do you think they can pull this rescue off?"

Koenma shook his head and tightened his grip on his fingers. "They have to. I gave them as much information as we had; the rest is up to them."


	2. Chapter 2

Hey everyone, sorry this chapter is a wee bit short, it just kind of ended itself perfectly all on it's onesie. Enjoy.

Disclaimer - I am sad to announce that anything to do with Yu Yu Hakusho is not from my imagination or lack of drawing skills. Rights to the epicness that is Yu Yu Hakusho go to others.

Chapter 2

Hikari blinked slowing several times before realizing it was dark all around her and there was no light to see with. After a short mental inventory she understood that her body not only had no intention of moving, but couldn't move. She was dirty and bloody and tired, so damned tired. They hadn't won information from her yet, the Spirit World's detective agency was not betrayed . . . yet. She scrambled to keep her mental barrier in place. "I can't stay awake. . . fucking blood loss". . . Hikari feared for the time lapses in her memory, how long had she blacked out this time? Would the next time be her last?

Hiei had kept quiet after giving his report to the group, and had followed the team through the portal to Makai in similar silence. He was preoccupied with trying to in touch with Hikari's mind again – an endeavor that was taking far more effort than he thought it would. He would touch her mind briefly only to have it slip away again. Each touch flooded Hiei with Hikari's emotion and her pain. He still heard her singing, but since he only touched her for a moment he had no way of knowing how coherent the song was, only that it was a different song then before, and maybe more than one song. There was so much emotion in her mind voice that it wavered and hiccupped even in the small parts he heard. Hiei shivered at the touch of so much feeling from a mind he knew as well as his own. _What the hell were they doing to her? _

Hiei was so lost in his endeavor that he didn't realize someone was trying to talk to him until he felt someone shaking his arm. Carefully he pulled his mind from Hikari's and looked around him to see Kurama standing over him. "Anything yet?" Kurama asked, guessing correctly what Hiei had been doing.

Rather than denying it, Hiei sighed deeply and replied, "Nothing that will get us closer to finding her. She still has some sort of mental barrier up with the singing, but now it feels wrong somehow, It's too emotional and too everywhere at once."

"So what do you think that change means?" Kurama asked his friend, now still holding Hiei's arm but now is a supportive way.

"It means she is breaking" Hiei whispered, his voice quivering, " and we have to hurry".

"We will my friend, don't give up yet" Kurama replied encouragingly before calling to the others, "Time is running out, we have to move now!"

"Right!" Yusuke and Kuwabara replied together.

"Shrimp, any update?" Yusuke called to Hiei.

Hiei ignored him. After a few minutes of silence Kurama filled in, "learning we are running out of time was the update."

"Oh, okay" Yusuke said, unsure how to act in such a somber mood.

Without another word the team took off running at full pace. They raced across Makai to its outer limits towards Demon City. The red sky stormed and rippled as they crossed through mountains and forests and wastelands.

Hikari-_ Dark. . . everything is so dark. Cold. . . I must be crazy. . . already. I thought. . . I thought I felt him, his mind touch mine. . . impossible. Never again. Just. . . dreaming. . ._

After a day and a half of straight pursuit they all acknowledged they had to take a break to preserve their strength. "We will be no good to Hikari if we are too exhausted to free her when we get there" Kurama announced, resigned and sullen.

"Well how much longer do we have to go" Kuwabara gasped, still out of breath from running.

"We have an hour, maybe two at most to go before we reach Demon City. We are fair enough from its territory that it should be safe to sleep here for a few hours. If we rest now for a , we will be able to press on to Demon City and launch our rescue mission at almost fill strength" Kurama explained.

"I don't like it" Yusuke said, "but I don't have a better idea, so resting it is."

"Hiei?" Kurama asked, looking at his fire demon friend.

"Hn" Hiei responded, and walked towards the forest in search of a tree to rest on.

Hiei found a quiet tree by himself and spent the time in the concentrated search for Hikari that he couldn't do while traveling. By this point he had revived his pathway to her mind, and found it more quickly than ever. When he arrived at the end of her purple tunnel he was assaulted by emotions and thoughts, screams and sobs, pleads and agony. Hiei gritted his teeth as he tried to sort through everything, realizing with his own fear that her mental wall had been shattered and this was the flood it had been holding back. "What I've done". . ."Lies". . ."Ten thousand promises, ten thousand ways to lose". . . *break down*. . . "Going to die". . . "completely alone". . . *shaking*. . ."the sacrifice of hiding in the light". . ."useless" . . . "traitor". . .*cold*. . . "him. . . pushed me way". . . *scream*. . . "gone". . . "so much blood". . . "pain". . . "Let me go!". . . "powerless". . . *sick*. . . "lost". . . *lonely*. . . *fear*. . . *sorrow*. . . "h.i.e.i.". . . "NO!". . .*numb*. . .

It was too much to bear. Hiei pulled out of Hikari's mind with so much force that he fell out of his tree, thudding to the ground miserably. Hearing the noise of Hiei's fall the others rushed over from where they had been sleeping. Hiei buried his head in his arms feeling hot tears stinging his eyes. Before anyone could speak Hiei's red eyes found Kurama's green ones as he whispered, "We're out of time."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Hiei, wait!" Kurama called after the sprinting Hiei.

"God damn it Hiei! " Yusuke called too, chasing after Hiei.

"The shrimp is going to get himself killed" Kuwabara sighed.

"Hiei, stop already! We need to make a plan before you just go barreling into DemonCity!" Kurama yelled in exasperation. Hiei slowed just enough for Yusuke to beat Hiei senseless over the head.

"Fucking idiot" Yusuke growled as Hiei came to consciousness a few moments later. Yusuke was holding Hiei's arms behind his back, and Kuwabara had his spirit sword ready and pointed towards Hiei as well.

"What is this Fox?" Hiei said angrily and a bit fuzzily as he was still gaining coherence after the blow to his head.

"Yusuke and Kuwabara will stand down when you promise to STAY PUT until we develop a plan to rescue Hikari. I will not watch you run to your death, no matter who it is you are trying to save."

"There is not time!" Hiei spat at Kurama, Hiei's rage and sense of urgency back to full force as be fought Yusuke's tight hold.

"Then we will have to make time. As it happens, I have a suggestion of how to do just that which I would have told you earlier if you had given me the change to do so" Kurama said dryly.

"Hn" Hiei scowled at the ground, but stopped fighting Yusuke. At Kurama's nod, Yusuke let go of Hiei, and Kuwabara lowered his spirit sword. Hiei slid to the ground, at a loss for the first time he could think of in his whole life. _What the hell was he going to do?_

Kurama crouched in front of Hiei's slumped body and put his face next to Hiei's to get Hiei's attention. In a quiet and rather soothing voice Kurama said, "Hiei, I have a plan, but first I have a question. When you have been in Hikari's mind lately were you actively speaking to her or just observing?"

"I was observing, but what does that have to do with. . ." Hiei's voice trailed off as he understood Kurama's plan. Without a word Hiei walked over and sat under a nearby tree and closed his eyes.

"Ummm, Kurama" Kuwabara said hesitantly, "I think I am missing something here".

Yes, of course you are" Kurama responded absently. Yusuke snickered at the unintentional insult to Kuwabara as Kurama continued, "Hiei is buying us some time. Hiei and Hikari did not part on good terms when their relationship ended, so when Hiei has previously gone into her mind on this trip he stayed far enough away to observe without her realizing he was there. However, as we all know Hiei has the ability to read our thoughts and talk to us in our mind. His ability is particularly strong with Hikari because of the strong bond Hiei and Hikari used to share. Thus Hiei may be able to reach her mind even in the disheveled state it is now and talk to her. He might be able to buy some time if he can get in contact with Hikari enough for her to really know that help is on the way if she can hold on just a bit longer."

There was a slight pause before Yusuke responded saying, "Great, what do we do?"

"We figure out how to storm Demon City and rescue Hikari by the time Hiei is done." Kurama answered, and the boys immediately got to work planning.

Hiei had found the tunnel to Hikari's mind and was mentally sprinting down it. As Hiei ran he was periodically hit with bits of Hikari's thoughts that had spilled over into their tunnel, a result of her wall breaking so completely. Words and images of Hikari fighting, in pain, hurt, afraid, strong, defiant, lonely, broken, and dying swarmed Hiei as he continued on trying not to be overwhelmed. Hikari's mind had always been so ordered and so closed that Hiei's hope began to waver in finding Hikari's mind as open and chaotic as it was now. "Damn it Hikari, pull yourself together" Hiei growled, not in anger but in the fear he could not mask.

As Hiei kept wondering deeper into Hikari's mind he was stunned to see images of himself with Hikari flash before him. Some of the images he recognized as memories from times they had been together, things they had done with each other. Hiei felt strong pulls from those memories to be lost in these moments of time from the past, and had to fight to stay himself in the present. He wasn't sure what he was looking for, any sign of hope of piece of Hikari's mind that was whole enough to still be her and to understand his message.

Hiei had not conception of time while he wondered Hikari's mind, but he knew time was passing because he felt himself begin to tire. The constant strain of fighting through Hikari's memories, thoughts, and emotions was taking a great deal of his mental energy. Hiei knew he had to preserve his strength to travel back, but he couldn't bear the idea of giving up on Hikari yet. "Hikari" Hiei kept whispering, reaching out with his mind and emotions to touch her, pleading for some part of her to recognize him as a friend there to give her hope.

After a long while of searching Hiei began to hear what he thought was singing. He paused and put all his efforts and to listening. Yes, it was singing, it was Hikari singing. She wasn't singing words per say, just notes, strings of musical sounds. Hiei followed the music at a slow walk, getting faster as the song grew louder, until he was sprinting towards a figure sitting down. As Hiei drew near he saw a image of Hikari, her long hair curtained around her, knees drawn up to her chest, and head buried in her arms, still making small musical sounds.

Hiei crouched next to the figure, his hand hovering in momentary apprehension before he brushed the hair from her face. Startled, this figure of Hikari looked up at Hiei in confusion. As Hiei stared back he realized that a young child was staring back at him.

"Who are you?" the young Hikari quivered.

Hiei realized he had to take special care with the fragile little girl sitting in front of him. "My name is Hiei, and I am a friend."

"Friend. . ." Hikari whispered wistfully, and then said, "what do you want, friend Hiei?"

"I have a message for you from other friends. They are coming to help you get away from the bad people who are hurting you. You have to keep being a brave and strong girl for just a bit longer and they will come for you." Hiei finished, trying to explain things simply.

"Come for me? What do they want with me?" little Hikari panicked and scooted away from Hiei.

Realizing his error Hiei rushed to say, "Oh not to hurt you, they are coming to help you get away from the bad people. They are coming to bring you somewhere safe where you can be okay. The only think they want is for you to be okay and safe".

"Safe. . ." Hikari said as if to herself, as a tear fell down her cheeks.

Hiei inched closer to the girl, and gently pulled her into his arms. Rather than pushing him away little Hikari snuggled into him and let Hiei wrap his arms around her. "Can you be a strong girl for me, Hikari?"

"I can try" little Hikari said sadly. "It is very hard, the men are very mean."

"I know" Hiei said, clenching his teeth in rage at those hurting Hikari.

Soon the only sound was the soft breathing of a sleeping little girl in Hiei's arms. As soon as he saw little Hikari Hiei had know he could not leave her until she was rescued. Straining with his mental energy Hiei called out to Kurama's mind, "FOX!"

"What is it Hiei? Did you find her? Is she alright?" Kurama questioned. Hiei didn't have enough energy to explain everything with words, so he send Kurama an images of his journey finding Hikari and giving her comfort, ending with the image of Hiei holding the little girl in his arms. "I see." Kurama responded after Hiei's last image.

"I can't leave her. You will have to storm the castle without me. Just put my body up in the tree, I will return to it once Hikari is safe."

"We can do that. Yusuke and Kuwabara are just waking up from a nap. We have a plan to rescue Hikari, it is crued and mainly involved brute force in the right places, but I think it will work."

"Then do it now" Hiei responded. "And Kurama?"

"Yes?"

"Please hurry."

Hiei severed his link with Kurama and sighed with relief that help was on its way, Kurama was good with plans. Hiei looked down at the child in his arms and couldn't help but smile, she was so innocent and pure for a young demon. Had Hikari really been this way as a child? He had never known her in childhood. Still with her stubborn features and strong body there was no way this was not Hikari. He felt a flare of protectiveness and love for her, love that he convinced himself was misplaced fatherly affection and nothing more. Hiei had always had a soft spot for children, something very few people knew about him. They were too young to be ruined by the world, and too young to be those doing the ruining to others. Everything was dramatic, and everything was easily forgiven. Hiei was glad he had met the child Hikari, because he feared the adult version would not have been nearly so loving. And yet it was the adult version that shattered in pain, the adult version that needed healing and hope.

Hiei resituated the child Hikari more comfortably on his lap, and smoothed her hair. He rubbed her back gently as he hummed a lullaby in his warm baritone voice, putting himself to sleep in the process.

Hiei was roused suddenly by the screams of the little girl in his arms. "Hikari," Hiei gasped, "What is it?!"

"They are hurting me again. They burn me and drown me and suffocate and beat me. They rape me and cut me. They laugh when I bleed. They promise they will hurt me forever!" Hikari sobbed and buried her face in Hiei's shirt.

"No" Hiei said sternly, but gently as he pulled Hikari's face up to meet his eyes. He froze for a moment, those grey blue eyes bringing him images of Hikari as Hiei had loved her. "Hikari" Hiei soothed, "Remember what I told you about being strong? You can do this. My friends are coming to stop the bad men, they will be there very very soon. The bad men will not hurt you forever, they will die for the hurt they have caused you and will never be able to hurt you again."

Little Hikari snuffled, and said to Hiei, "Are you sure?"

"I promise on my life."

Hikari's nod was stopped by a fresh wave of pain. Her child's body shook in Hiei's arms as he held her close to him, offering any comfort he could. She screamed and shook over and over again. Her torturers would let up just enough to convince Hikari they were gone and then they would start in again, reveling at her shock and distress at new pain. Part of Hiei wished that his body was not safely hidden in a tree, because he wanted to be the executioner of these demons. But as Hiei looked down at the child in his arms he knew his place was here, that Hikari needed him here with her.

When there was a long pause in Hikari's waves of pain Hiei whispered, "Hikari, what's going on now?"

"They've stopped" Hikari croaked, her voice full of tears. "I hear lots of noises, but they are moving away from me."

"Kurama!" Hiei bellowed through their mental link.

"We've got them Hiei. Just. . . killed the last. . . one" Kurama huffed, obviously tired from a rough fight. "She is safe for the moment. . . but Hiei. . . I've never seen wounds like this. . . I don't know if she will-"

"I will stay with her until you get back to my body and give her all the strength I have. She will make it, you will see."

"Then we will probably have to carry you back too" Kurama replied.

"Just don't let the baka do it," hiei replied wearily.

"Which one?" Kurama said with a smile.

"Either. But for now I give Urameshi permission, I'd rather it be you who carried Hikari".

"Of course" Kurama said with another smile, and ended the link to carry out Hiei's request.

Hiei leaned down to whisper into Hikari's ear, "The bad men are dead. You are safe. Sleep now, and will stay with you until you do, and will be there when you wake up."

Hikari nuzzled into Hiei tiredly, and fell asleep mid-yawn, with Hiei right behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer - I own nothing.

Chapter 4

Hikari felt consciousness slipped back to her, pain, searing pain all over her body, remains of the tortures she endured. She deduced that the only way she could be in a bed this soft while being this hurt was if she was in the spirit world infirmary. . . again. Hikari stretched her mind out to feel her surroundings as her body began to wake. As her senses returned she felt a familiar presence touching her mind gently. At first she was comforted by the company of the presence, but when the familiarity turned into recognition, Hikari's comfort turned into fear and rage.

Panicked, Hikari forced her eyes to open and confirming her fear when she saw him sitting on a chair next to her bed, his red eyes studying her. Emotions ran thrown her with such force that she began to shake, but through the emotion cut two strong thoughts – _I have to get out of here_ and _I'm going to kill him._ In response to both, Hikari swung her legs off the bed and teetered as the rest of her wobbly body followed. She felt arms, his arms, try to steady her and she shoved him off with all the strength she had, which only manages to make him take a step back. Hikari caught his red eyes again, and felt like it was all some awful dream. What was he doing here? Was this their newest form of turture? If so, how had they found out about them? She turned away from him and the questions she could not answer with strength born from raw determination. Hikari shoved the infirmary door open and took off towards Koenma's office.

Hikari's new found energy spurred her on at a speed she could normally only do at full strength. In a few short moments Hikari was at Koenma's hall. Without ceremony and to the dismay and shock of the ogres standing guard, Hikari threw open the doors to the room and walked inside, eyes blazing.

As it so happens Koenma was meeting with the boys, debriefing them on their rescue mission of her. Ignoring all the shocked faces at her arrival Hikari strode up to Koenma, grabbed him by his shirt collar and screamed, "I'm going to kill you! You broke your promise, you baka!" Hikari was squeezing Koenma's neck blue before the team comprehended what was going on and Yusuke and Kurama pulled Hikari off of Koenma.

Koenma gasped for breath as Yusuke addressed his captive, "What the hell is going on!"

Hikari's quick lived emotional energy dissipated almost as quickly as it came. Hikari's tortured body slumped against Kurama as she whispered, "I only asked one thing from you, bastard, when you asked for my service. One fucking thing! And you swore you would grant it."

Koenma looked away as he pleaded, "Hikari I. . . you were dying and they are the best. Without his work you would be dead right now, don't you realize that?"

Hikari prickled and blazed in her anger, Koenma had obviously said the wrong thing, "Do you think I care ANYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE?! I didn't follow through with committing suicide on your request, because you promised I could do some good. . ." She trailed off into a choked sob before continuing, her emotions and the pain in her body over powering her. "You let him in my mind, he was in the fucking room when I woke up, just sitting there. How in the hell is that keeping your damned promise?" At the last Hikari fell to the floor, her legs unable to hold her anymore. Seeing she was no longer a danger Kurama and Yusuke let go of her arms. All eyes turned to Koenma for his response.

Koenma looked at a loss for words. He finally settled with saying, "I couldn't let you die. You are too important. By the time I realized your life was in danger, Hiei was the only one who could have found you. I needed his help. You needed his help."

"No" Hikari whispered, as she yanked herself to her feet, stony in her expression. "What I needed was to be free of him. Now I hurt all over again." She paused, as her body clutched at air that wasn't in her lungs, and then said, "I'm done, Koenma. You failed to keep your part of our agreement while I have gone above and beyond in holding up mine. You will get no more service from me."

"But Hikari" Koenma spluttered, "we need the information you have about the rebellion, please, for the sake of Reikai, we need you."

"Sorry," Hikari replied, her voice coated in ice, "life's a bitch." Hikari turned to exit only to find herself drained of all energy and falling towards the unforgiving floor of the hall. As she lost consciousness, Hiei caught her limp form, having come into the hall and without anyone realizing he had witnessed almost all the encounter. Hiei's expression was also stony, but the presence of a black tear gem rolling along the floor betrayed his true feelings.

"Hiei," Yusuke said with awe, "What the hell did you do to her?" Without a response, Hiei scooped up Hikari's limp body and whisked her off back to the infirmary.

"Koenma?" Kurama prompted, feeling like they all deserved an explanation.

Koenma sunk deeper into his throne chair before answering. "They didn't part well. . . Hiei and Hikari. Some terrible things were done. . . marks were left that Hikari will carry forever. She couldn't live with the memory of it, and was at the point of taking her own life when I sent Botan to find her."

"Why did you want her?" Yusuke asked.

"Because she is has all the qualities that would make a damned good spirit detective, which are very hard to come by I'll have you know! I was taking advantage of an opportunity. I persuaded Hikari to work for me as a detective, assassin and spy. . . because. . . I promised her. . . she would never have to see Hiei again. . . She knew and personally I agreed, that . . . if she saw him again, the memory of what happened would be too much to bear. . . " Koenma choked, and began sobbing in his own right.

"What did he do to her?" Kuwabara asked quietly.

This time it was Kurama who answered. "Hiei was afraid of his feelings for Hikari, and her's for him. His caring for her was a weakness and he felt, at the time, only a temporary end to his eternal loneliness. He didn't think he could ever keep such happiness because he was cursed so profoundly at birth. So, Hiei used his knowledge and intimacy with Hikari to. . . hurt her in the way it would destroy her most. More than that I cannot say".

"Oh," was the only reply Kuwabara could muster. The room came to an unspoken understanding that they conversation was done, and everyone filed out of the hall, leaving Koenma with his head in his hands.

In the days that followed Hikari's condition worsened rather than improving. It was as though she had given up fighting her wounds and torments, and was letting herself die. Her body had other plans – it raged continuously with fever and infection, fighting to exist. Hiei paced up and down her bedside in desperate frustration. No one knew how to calm him, for all intensive purposes it was Hiei's fault he was so upset. But Hiei kept telling himself he couldn't let her die. She could hate him, she should hate him, but he couldn't let her die because of his mistakes. He couldn't. With that resolve he sat in the chair by her bed and sunk into her mind once again. He found her lying on a dark, almost black pool, floating half sunk in its depths. He walked to the pool and prepared to plunge in, but as soon as his foot touched the water it rippled and a chill ripped through him and resonated in his bones. _How in the hell can she stand that water _Hiei thought, and then deciding that it didn't matter, he leaped into the water and submerged himself. When Hiei came up for air, everything in him was shaking violently, the cold and hurt and pain of the water was overwhelming. All the while Hiei noticed that Hikari's figure was still motionless. _Is she dead?_ Hiei fretted and began a fast swim over to the dark figure on the water.

When Hiei got to Hikari's side he saw her eyes were open, cold and blue-grey in color, and staring directly at him. He body might be numb, Hiei realized, but emotion and live still surged behind her eyes. Understanding that he had to explain his presence Hiei said, "Hikari I. . .you need to come back. You are lost here and it's going to kill your body. You can't. . . I mean I won't. . . I . . ." Hiei sputtered and sighed into silence.

The quiet shifting of the water was the only sound for several minutes before Hiei tried again. "Hikari. . ." Hiei whispered almost too quietly, "I'm sorry".

"Bullshit" was Hikari's dark and immediate response. "You just don't want the responsibility of my death. You would say anything you thought would bring me back, true or not."

"Damnit, you stubborn Onna!" Hiei cried, grabbing her hand and putting it on his heart, "Feel it yourself, look into me and see I don't lie".

Hikari couldn't help but gasping as Hiei's waves of regret and sorrow and apology washed over her, emotions all tied to her, emotions she didn't think him capable of. She didn't know what to say. He hadn't been lying. For a long time neither said anything. "I will never forgive you" Hikari said finally.

"I'm not asking you to, I shouldn't be forgiven. I'm just asking you to try to live".

Hikari knew her body was in bad shape from all the torture she had been trying to keep from her thoughts. Hiei was right, if she didn't start to work on healing herself, she would die._ Do I really want to die? _She thought miserably. _Yes_, her heart replied. _No_, her mind insisted. Hikari realized that she didn't know what she wanted. She had liked feeling useful to Koenma and she was a damn good spirit detective, but. . . she was so tired of hurting all the time. Unfortunately Hiei was in her mind already, so he heard her thoughts. Fortunately he chose to just listen rather than intervene. _She is in so much pain_ Hiei thought, _I cannot resent her desire to die_.

"I will try" Hikari answered tiredly, as she pulled herself from the water she had been sinking into and walked to the land's edge of her mental plane. Hiei withdrew and left Hikari to what he knew would be a long healing.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer - I am a poor college student, I don't own anything.

Chapter 5

Three days (isn't that always the magic number?) after Hikari promised she would fight to live, she woke up from her deep healing sleep. Her efforts and the Spirit World healers had accomplished a great deal – her broken ribs, left arm, lower vertebrate, missing teeth, eyesight (from being in the dark so long), right ankle, and a few fingers and toes were all set and on their way to healing. The strained muscles all over her body would have to heal naturally. Her burns had started to scab over, and did many of the lacerations on her body.

Hikari blinked as sunlight steamed over her tender eyes through the open curtains of her infirmary bed. She scouled, wishing for the black drapes of the bed in her room – they kept out such annoying sunlight. At first all she could see was dark and light blurts around her.

"I'll close the blinds. Just give your eyes a bit of time to ajust. Try to avoid the temptation to keep them closed" a voice called.

Hikari thought she almost recognized it but her brain was too muddled to be sure, and her body was in too much pain to be nice, so she snapped, "who the hell are you?"

"I'm Kurama. I don't think we have officially been introduced. I am a member of team Urameshi and I part time healer for the Spirit World infirmary, when Koenma doesn't have me off somewhere."

"You are the one who is dear to Hiei" Hikari said matter of factly.

"Yes, I suppose you could say it that way" Kurama said, not bothering to hide his smile because Hikari couldn't see it yet. He was thinking, I could say the same thing about you, Hikari-san, but didn't dare say that aloud. Instead Kurama settled for small talk. He pulled up a chair to Hikari's bed as he stated, "They really did a number on you during the torture. To be honest I wasn't sure you were going to survive".

Hikari visibly shuttered when Kurama said the word torture, despite the protests of her aching body. "I will have to compare pain with Hiei sometime on which is worse, three weeks of torture or being thrown off a mountain" Hikari muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, Kurama. Just don't under estimate what determination can do. I'm not very easy to kill."

"That I have seen for myself. How are your eyes doing?"

"Better" Hikari replied, blinking again, "Unless you don't really have red hair, in that case we are in trouble."

Kurama chuckled, "I do indeed have red hair." There was a small silence before Kurama asked, "Do you want to tell me about what happened? Soul healing is a lot more complicated than body healing. I won't pretend to know what it felt like to be tortured that way but. . ."

Hikari cut him off, "Kurama, you are sweet and thank you for your concern, but I am not that sort to start balling my eyes out and gushing about life's hardships. I'm good at taking care of myself."

"Hiei said you would say that."

"What?"

"Hiei said you would find a way to tell me you didn't want to talk, though to be honest you were much nicer about it than he thought you would be."

"I have learned a lot of things since. . . we parted. I am better at controlling my temper. The scene with Koenma a few days ago is rare compared to how things were before. I have learned power over my emotions. I had to."

"I see" Kurama said sadly. More than anyone else Kurama knew how Hiei had hurt Hikari, and how doing so was the biggest regret of Hiei's life. The whole situation was heart breaking because they may have lost their only chance to find someone who could love and care for them as mates must. Though Kurama loved Hiei as his best friend, and wanted his happiness, Kurama could not ignore what Hiei had done. He could never ask this woman to forgive Hiei.

"Kurama" Hikari mumbled, snapping his mind back to the present. "I would really like it if I could go back to my room. I ummm. . . hospitals make me very. . . uncomfortable and nervous. Since I'm not going to keel over and die at the moment, I would like to get out of here. Except. . ." she trailed off, asking for help was not her specialty.

"Well since I am not going to allow you to walk out of here, please do me the honor of carrying you to your lodgings" Kurama said with a mocking bow and the air of a butler.

In spite of herself, Hikari giggled and said, "Please good sir that would be ever so nice of you."

Without another word Kurama gentled picked up Hikari bridal style, and started for her room. _All that talking must have worn her out_," Kurama thought as he looked at the sleeping form of Hikari.

Once Kurama got to the floor with all their bedrooms he asked a passing Ogre, "Excute me, do you know where the room of Hikari-san is?"

"Oh yes, just keep following this hallway here on the left. Her's in the grey door."

Kurama nodded his thanks. When he opened her door he gasped slightly at what he saw. It revealed a room that was very intimately Hikari's. Soft black carpets, storm grey walls, and a mixture of black, white, and purples in the furniture and bedding. Heavy black drapes covered a magnificent window seat. In one corner was a bean bag chair, an easel, drawing pad, and stand littered with drawing materials. Evidence of Hikari's artistic skill hung in frames all over the walls. As Kurama went to take a closer look at the drawings he was caught off guard by a low and soft growl coming for somewhere in the room. He looked around for a moment, not seeing the source, until he heard it again and realized the noise was coming from under the bed.

"It's okay, Kurama, you just smell like stranger to him. He is a really protective puppy, but he won't hurt you. Just put me on the bed and I will take care of him" Hikari croaked, her voice full of sleep.

Kurama did as asked. After he settled her into a grey comforter, patterned with velvate black leaves Hikari whispered, "Shadow, here boy. Come on up." The animal under the bed growled a bit more before Hikari croaked, "Friend, Shadow, friend. Now get up here." This time the puppy was obedient. Kurama watched as a white ball of fluff with deep brown eyes and wolf like ears hopped onto Hikari's lap. Hikari smiled as she petted him ears, sinking deeper into her many pillows. "He's an American Eskimo and my dearest friend" Hikari said to Kurama before her eyes closed again.

Kurama smiled at girl and dog cuddled on the bed before closing the door behind him. Kurama headed towards Koenma's office to make his report.

"Well?" Koenma asked as Kurama entered, not taking his eyes off the reports he was reading on his over piled desk.

"She woke up and asked to be taken to her room, so I did. She felt asleep on the walk there, and is now resting with her protective and snuggly puppy. I was planning on asking Yukina to go watch over her and help Hikari bathe and change clothes when she wakes next." Kurama reported.

"Good, good. I approve." Koenma said distractedly. As Kurama turned to leave Koenma asked skidistly, "Was she very angry with me?"

"I have no doubt that she is, but she did not express those particular feelings. I do suggest getting your apology over with soon though, before her anger has any more time to stew. I can tell she has changed a lot, but in her place I would be furious too. You know what Hiei did."

"I know" Koenma sighed. "Go ahead with your plans to ask Yukina's help. If you would, tell Yukina I will have the cooks make some soup for Hikari, and when Hikari seems to have enough strength, whether it be today or tomorrow, send Hikari to me".

"Of course" Kurama replied, and went to search for Yukina.

Hikari blinked and then tensed as she felt another presence in her room other than Shadow.

"Sorry Hikari, I didn't mean to startle you" Yukina smiled as she walked over and sat on the edge of Hikari's bed. "Kurama thought you might enjoy a bit of help cleaning up and getting some new clothes on, maybe even eating a bit of soup if you are up to it. He thought you would appreciate my help verses someone else's."

"Oh" Hikari said, surprised for a moment. "Of course, actually that would be amazing. Thank you, Yukina." Hikari pulled the covers off her and settled them around the still sleeping Shadow before sliding out of bed and falling onto Yukina's supportive sholder. Hikari's recently broken ankle objected to standing, but between the two girls they managed to get Hikari undressed and into a warm bath already drawn and scented with eucalyptus oils for relaxing and healing. What Yukina didn't tell Hikari was that Hiei was responsible for keeping her bath just at the right temperature with his fire capabilities. Has Hikari got situated in the bath, Yukina walked over and shut the window Hiei must have used has his exit. "Do you want me to let you soak for awhile?" Yukina asked Hikari. Hikari grunted slightly as she nodded and said, "the water stings a bit, but I think it would be good to soak some of my muscles and to wash some of the opens wounds again. Infection is a bitch."

Yukina smiled, Hikari always had such a unique way with words. "Sounds good. I will go check on your soup and then come back to help you wash up."

"Thank you, Yukina. I am ashamed to say it, but I couldn't have done this on my own. I. . . I haven't been this beat up in a long time, so thank you. And thank you for not hating me after Hiei and I. . ."

"I have always treasured the friendship we developed over those years, Hikari. I don't want to give that up just because Hiei was a scared fool. I am angry at him for not understanding what a treasure you are, that's all. I love and care about you both; that will not change" Yukina finished and left Hikari to herself.

Hikari felt touched by Yukina's devotion. Hikari had just assumed she would side with Hiei no matter what, so Hikari had abandoned her friendship with Yukina when Hiei. . . Maybe there was hope of reforging her bonds with Yukina. It would be nice to have a friend again, besides Shadow of course. Hikari sunk down into the bath, letting the water come up to her neck as she lay her head back, closing her eyes into the relaxing heat. Slowly, starting with her toes, she mentally loosened each muscle in her body, calling for it to relax into the water and drunk up strength, and healing.

When Hikari reached the muscles near her broken vertebrate, an image flashed before her eyes and her whole body tensed as a wave of pain shook through it. The image flashed again this time longer, enough time for Hikari to realize it was the moment her torturers had grinded into her back, shattering the bone. Hikari moaned in pain as if the injury was reoccurring. Hikari moaned louder, her mouth filling with the bath water. Frantically she gasped for air, only to get more water in her mouth and down to her tired lungs. Spots where forming in front of Hikari's eyes as her brain screamed for air she couldn't seem to hold onto. Faintly Hikari heard Shadow barking and pawing at the door to the bathroom. _Go get help_ Hikari thought, _go get help, Shadow. _Hikari's eyelids closed as hands and arms grabbed her out of the tub, and pounded on her chest and back. She coughed violently again and again as her body fought lustfully for air.

"Hikari!" Kurama yelled at her, "What happened?" Kurama was interrupted by an "Ow!" and then a thud as something wacked his own head. Kurama looked down at the object and then looked up at Keiko to realize it was one of her shoes that had hit him.

"This is a girl's bathroom, you pervs!" Keiko yelled, "Get out!"

"Keiko, hunni, she was drowning, her dog was freaking out, we only came in here to see. . ."

"No excuses Yusuke, get out!"

Hikari was keenly aware that she was naked, and now shaking from the cold and violence of her coughing. Kurama and Yusuke hurried out and Keiko came in, closely followed by Yukina and an armful of towels. "Let's get you washed up and warm." Together Keiko and Yukina got Hikari back into the bath just long enough to soap her down, wash her hair, and rinse it out. In a blink Hikari was back out, wrapped in the heated towels Yukina had brought. _Whose heated these?_ Hikari thought vaguely, as the towels snuggled around her. She heard Yukina's and Keiko's whispers by her dresser, but Hikari didn't have the will or energy to say anything. Like a rag doll she was dressed in baggy sports shorts, bra, and a t-shirt, followed by a heavy sweatshirt. The next moment Hikari found herself back in her bed, covers over her and Shadow snuggling into her. "Good boy" Hikari said, petting him weakly. In moments she was asleep.

When next Hikari woke it was to voices in her dark room.

"What the hell happened, I thought you were watching her, Yukina!"

"I was Hiei, but I also wanted to give her privacy, and get her soup. I was afraid she wouldn't stay awake long enough to eat it if there was too much delay, and knowing her it has been ages since she ate properly. I doubt she takes care of herself now any better than before."

"Then what happened?! How was she drowning."

"She must have fallen asleep in the bath and then sunk too far under. It was an accident, she is fine and everything is okay. Stop fretting, you are being a baby about this whole thing."

Hikari heard footsteps as the figures left the room. She sighed and thanked the gods for Yukina, with her excuse everyone would think Hikari just fell asleep and Hikari would not have to explain to anyone what the hell happened to her in those moments before water filled her lungs. _Those images_, Hikari shuttered, and resolved to push them from her mind, resolving to make them a secret for now. Soon, sleep took Hikari again.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer - I don't own anything. Also, I understand this is a bit of a spoiler, but if you are sensitive to self-harm issues because be careful. There is nothing overly graphic here, but please be safe.

Chapter 6

Days passed into weeks, as a quiet month went by. The boys were in and out of the house Koenma had given them to stay, each going on various missions for Koenma or on personal leaves, but they always came back within a few days. The girls had their own responsibilities that took up their time. Genkai-sama even came to visit once and awhile to "keep on eye on her favorite dimwit" as she would say.

Hikari didn't have any particular responsibilities and often found herself by herself while she recovered. As Hikari's wounds healed, she found that she missed the physical pain they gave her. The pain had anchored her, and given her something to hold on it. Without it her emotions about the torture and towards Hiei and towards herself began to swamp her mind as if she was locked in a small room with them and had no way out. The flashbacks of her torture, as Hikari had termed them only increased in occurrence, making it harder for Hikari to keep them a secret. She had to keep them a secret. She couldn't be weak infront of these people, not in front of Hiei especially.

Hikari took to hiding in her room, outside, in the attic, where ever people weren't. Occasionally she would get a quiet knock on her door with Yukina saying, "Hikari-chan, I brought you some soup, can I come in?" Hikari loved Yukina like a sister and didn't have the heart to be rude to her, so Hikari often let Yukina in, knowing that Yukina reported all of their interactions to the others. Hikari knew her actions screamed there was something wrong, but she didn't know what else to do. Whenever she joined the team in an activity she couldn't sit still and snapped at everyone. Everyone noticed how antsy Hikari was and wanted to ask her what was wrong, but no one felt they had a right to ask. Hikari kept hoping and searching for a way to pull herself together. Hiei would watch Hikari from the various tree tops in the forest, unable to help himself and his concern for her. He longed to reach out to her, to help her know she was not alone. It helped that Koenma kept sending him on missions (at the urge of Kurama) because it kept him busy; he needed to be kept busy.

One rainy afternoon, things were worse than ever, Hikari had three flashbacks and hadn't slept for a few days for fear of having more flashbacks in her dreams. As Hikari frenziedly paced her room, she remembered that going on walks had sometimes helped to calm her in the past. When an hour past she couldn't think of anything else to do she pulled clothes and she walked in the living room. She paused, watching her housemates absorbed in their own actives of playing video games (Yusuke and Kuwabara) reading a book (Kurama) and staring out a window (Hiei). Noticing the girls were absent, Hikari remembered Yukina's invitation to a girls night out this afternoon, which Hikari declined. After a moment Hikari announced, "I'm going on a walk. I'm NOT running away or going anywhere further than the forest, so don't follow me! I will be back before sundown if not sooner." Surprised to hear any words coming from Hikari's mouth at all, the boys just nodded.

As Hikari neared the door though Kuwabara whispered too loudly, "Wait, didn't Koenma want us to send one of those communicator thingies with her if she left?"

Sighing, Hikari turned away from the door, walked to the counter, strapped a communicator to her belt and said "Happy?" in a tone dripping with sarcasm, before slamming out the front door.

The videogame music played in the background but no one moved. Finally Yusuke said, "If she is really a suicide risk as Koenma said, shouldn't we, you know, follow her or something?"

"I think Hiei already has that one covered" Kurama answered, nodding to the empty window sill and the slightly opened window.

"Oh, okay," Yusuke replied, his conscious eased he returned to his videogame with Kuwabara.

Hikari walked into the forest, soaking up the dark green around her. She knew why Hiei felt so safe here, a love of trees was something they had in common. However as she ventured into the forest it became more apparent to Hikari that the walk did nothing to appease her. With her emotions bearing upon her even more strongly than ever before and Hikari began to run, her weakened body and bandages protesting with every step.

It wasn't long before Hikari tripped over a rock and felt to the ground, rolling to a stop. Pulling herself up, she caught her arm on a tree branch and scratched it. Hikari looked in awe at the cut and the blood beading there because at that moment she felt calmed, felt a slight release from her emotions. Curious and fascinated, Hikari plopped down to the grassy earth and pulled out her belt knife, testing the edge with her finger. She felt adrenaline pulse through her as she drew the blade across her arm, next to the scratch made by the tree branch. Release filled Hikari like a drug, numbing the emotional sea and dripping it out of her in a tiny drops of crimson. Amazed by the sensation and by how little she cared about the signifance of her action, Hikari cut her arm again and again until seven marks of different sizes and severity bled on her forearm. She smiled to herself, _this would work at least for now._

Hiei frowned deeply as he watched Hikari from the treetops, he didn't really understand what she was doing, but he couldn't image it was good. The marks didn't look deep enough to be suicide inspired, but intentionally harming herself could not be a good sign. For the moment however, Hiei resolved to keep the information to himself, Hiei understood Hikari's need to find answers herself - that is what he would want for himself too.

Hikari removed the bangages from her upper arm and wrapped them around her bleeding arm. Somehow she could help but smile a little as she did, she had found a way to stay strong.

Hikari returned to the house, placed the communicator back on the counter. Hikari when to her bedroom momentarily to change clothes, selecting a long sleeved black hoodie with thumb holes and choose to leave her jean shorts on. For the first time in ages Hikari felt good, no she felt great, elated even. She went to the kitchen to make some dinner, humming to herself as she went. As she was finishing a chicken and shrimp stirfry Yusuke and Kuwabara poked their heads in saying, almost in unison, "What smells so good?"

Hikari grinned wickedly, "Dinner, if you are willing to earn it."

"Earn it?" Yusuke groaned.

"Yes" Hikari replied matter of factly. "I have no idea when you two took a shower last, but it has been WAY TOO LONG, I have no idea how Keiko let you get away with it. If you want dinner, go wash." Yusuke groaned loudly and right before Kuwabara could start in, Hikari added, "If you don't hurry, we will eat it all without you".

Just as the boys had marked her tension, they also marked Hikari's sudden calmness, and almost civil behavior toward them. The only odd difference was that Hikari saddening insisted to treat her wounds personally, and became angry if any of the boys tried to help.

A week after, Hikari sought a meeting with Koenma, with the boys in toe. "I request permission to start training. I know my body and it is as healed as it can get for the present. If I am ever to be useful again I will need to get my body back into fighting shape, and with the boys" Hikari said, shooting a glare in their direction, "I have learned that I won't be stepping foot on a track or lifting a weight without your permission" Hikari said curtly.

"You mean you have changed your mind about helping with the rebellion?" Koenma asked hopefully.

"I have lived in Makai on an off for my whole life. The living world has enough of it's own assholes without setting all the baka's of Makai on it. I while I live, I will help. I have nothing else worthwhile to do."

"Fair enough" Koenma said, trying to hide his delight. "I support your interests in retraining, but I do feel I should have our doctors look over you one more time to give the okay. Even with your gifts at healing, I think being cautious won't go amiss".

Hikari stiffened and unconsciously pulled at the sleeves of her long sleeved tunic. Hiei tensed at Hikari's reaction and had to worry about how many more marks that tunic was hiding. His thoughts were interrupted by Hikari's response, "I'm no particular fan of doctors I am afraid" Hikari said casually.

"What about Yukina having a look at ya?" Kuwabara chimed in, "I'm sure she would be more than willing to."

Kuwabara, you are sweet, but I know her too" Hikari said dryly. "We were having tea together before you were born, and I have been living in the same house with her and you for awhile now."

"Oh" said Kuwabara, not sure how to slice the awkwardness in the room.

"That's settled then. Pending Yukina's evaluation, you have my full permission to start training. Welcome back to the team" Koenma beamed.

"Koenma, don't make me shatter that smile off your pacifiered face" Hikari growled, and left the room.

"Hiei, is something bothering you?" Kurama asked as the boys moved to leave the hall.

"Hn" Hiei replied.

"Okay, let me know if you want to talk" Kurama said, not offended by Hiei's refusal.

Hiei left the hall, determined to find out what Hikari was up to. He followed his mental link to her, a link he had not mustered the strength to close, and was not surprised to find her in the forest. Hiei settled on a tree to watch.

Hikari clutched her belt knife, prolonging the moment of release for just a moment, before pulling the blad across her skin. She sighed heavily. She could handle anything now. All the emotion that had built up during her interview with Koenma was gone and she had the momentary peace she craved. After making a few more slashes Hikari reluctantly stowed her belt knife and concentrated on healing these and the week's cuts previously. She didn't want to heal them, liked how the pained her during the healing process, but if she didn't heal the cuts enough to make them look old, Yukina would notice them. Hikari had enough war scars that the group on her forearm would be of no consequence and hardly cause suspicion by Yukina. Once Yukina had looked her over, Hikari would be free to cut in peace. The only difficult was keeping herself from cutting between now and the following morning. Hikari was a bit shocked by how much this short week's of habit had made her feel so dependant. She took out her belt knife and held its cool metal in her fingers. Her panic relaxed, her safety net was still secure.

Hiei gripped the tree branch with white knuckles, forcing his body not to be sick after the scene he had just witnessed. There were over 100 marks on Hikari's arm when she healed it. Over 100 in just a week?! This was bad. It looked as though Hikari had become dependent on hurting herself over night. If she didn't deal with all those emotions she was using cutting to run away from, the harm he saw now would only be the beginning. Hiei paced the tree branch thinking _what can I do? Should I tell? _He resolved to go back to the house and see how the night played out.

At first Hikari had figured the time until tomorrow would pass quickly if she spent it by herself in her room. She soon understood that being alone was an awful idea because alone, her desire to cut had become a need within an hour. She had just justified to herself the idea of making a few small cuts when the noise of the Wii sounded from the living room, snapping her into the realization of what she had almost done. She slipped her belt knife back into its sheath, and wondered into the living room to distract herself with company.

Hikari paced the living room as everyone engaged in their preferred leisure activities. Yusuke and Kuwabara were video gaming as always, and had started a smash tournament with Shizuru and Keiko. Yukina and Kurama were playing chess, and Hiei was on his usual window seat struggling to master angry birds on Keiko's cell phone. Everyone once and awhile a particularly profound string of curse words would emerge from the fire demon.

"Hiei-san" Yukina said when Hiei kicked over a table in frustration, "I think it is just a game.

I know!" Hiei growled, "Damn Ningenkai and its addicting games. I will triumph!" Hiei declared and returned to the game in earnest. Everyone overted their gazes from him while they covered smiles and giggles. Even Hikari was temporarily distracted by Hiei.

Hikari floated around watching the different activities before taking a seat in the corner. She was able to sit for another hour before the pacing had begun, around 6pm. Her urge to cut was most unbearable. _ What have a gotten myself into, and could I get out of it if I tried? _Hikari asked herself, not waiting for herself to answer. When 7pm rang on the mantle clock Hikari declared, "I'm going for a walk" and left through the front door without another word. Everyone looked up briefly but returned to their activities, everyone except Hiei.

Hiei followed Hikari, convinced she was going into the woods to give into the urge that was so obviously consuming her. He had been watching her carefully all night, between rounds of the confounded angry birds game. _How could the others not notice? Because they haven't been stalking her and they don't know her as well as you do, _his inner voice answered. _When did I start loving her again enough to protect her this way? Did I ever stop loving her when I chased her away?_

Hiei was spared from hearing his inner voice answer his questions as Hikari broke into a run. She ran through the forest, up the mountain and partway down it before she collapsed from exhaustion. "Thank God" she gasped, and her world went dark.

Hiei realized that getting to this point of exhaustion was why Hikari had run in the first place – it was a planned last straw. When Hiei sensed Hikari had been asleep for several minutes he jumped down from his tree and scooped her up in his arms. Hiei studied her face for a moment and couldn't help but think _here in sleep she has finally found peace. _ He moved stands of her black hair off her face gently, recalling how beautiful she was. _How had he forgotten? How had he let things come this far? _As Hiei ran the stretch back to the house, his heart ached for Hikari and all she had suffered and was suffering. At 2am Hiei arrived, climbing nimbly up to Hikari's window, unlatching it, and laying her on bed, cradling her for a moment too long. He was lucky she was so out of shape or someone less friendly might have found her before he did. Hiei tucked the soft black sheets over Hikari's sleeping form and left through the window through which he came.

A/N - I promise this will not be another self-harm/emo fic, just be patient with me. Hikari doesn't know how to trust people and she won't learn that over night. When people are faced with challenges that are beyond them, they do stupid things to try to handle life on her own. We've all done stupid things when we want to seem strong.

Jenna - I promise somewhere in the next two chapters your question will be answered extensively.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer - I am not epic enough to own anything Yu Yu Hakusho. Hikari is my character, but her world here in someone else's genius.

Chapter 7

Hikari woke, feeling tied and confused to Hiei saying something she couldn't catch while he shook her gently. "What?" Hikari asked sleepily.

"If you plan on seeing Yukina this morning I'd suggest you start by waking up. It's 9am" Hiei informed her.

"Shit, thankyou" Hikari mumbled in reply. She pulled off her covers and frowned to see she was still in yesterday's clothes, and frowned deeper when she realized she didn't remember getting in her bed the night before.

"I'll see you downstairs when you are ready" Hiei said, closing the door behind him.

Hikari ached all over from her long run after so much time sedentary while she healed from her injuries. To help ease her tired muscles she indulged in a long, hot shower. After she showered, she tied her hair in a loose knot, and pulled on some clothes (grey tunic and leggings). She skipped make-up as she wasn't a big fan of painting her face, and patted down the stairs to the kitchen.

Hikari wrinkled her nose as smells of bacon, eggs, pancakes, syrup, and fruit assaulted her. Those foods were way too heavy for Hikari's sleepy stomach. Instead, she grabbed a piece of buttered toast, and turned on the kettle for some tea. Toast in mouth, Hikari got to work on the dishes as she waited for her tea water. Before long, Kurama, their self appointed chief, joined her at the sink.

"Thanks for your help with the dishes, Hikari" Kurama said with a smile. "As much as I love to cook, cleaning up after so many people can be very disheartening."

"No problem. We will have to make dishes duty the next punishment for someone who does something stupid. That shouldn't take long. Provided you are not the culprit, you will be off the hook until the next episode of idiocy."

"Hmmm, that is a really great idea. We might want to invest in cheaper cookware though, I'm not sure I trust some people to not break every glass we own."

To Hikari's surprise, she giggled and said, "true story". Soon Hikari realized that the dishes were a lost cause until after everyone had finished eating, and gave up. She went over to the pantry, grabbed a packet of her calming tea, and waited as the packet soaked in the hot water.

When Yusuke and Kuwabara were finishing their fifth stack of pancakes (respectively), Yukina entered the kitchen, apparently in intense conversation with Hiei. Suddenly the two looked up, as if realizing they had entered the kitchen, and their conversation fell silent. Hikari felt her heart quicken. _What am I so afraid about? I am being silly. _Hikari scolded herself. Instead, Hikari decided to attack her worry outright. "Good morning Yukina, can I get you anything for breakfast?"

"I've got it, thanks though" Yukina said an innocent smile. "I'd love to have some of your tea though, if you are sharing. You always seem to make the best packets. Someday you will have to reveal the ingredients in all the teas you make."

"Never!" Hikari said in a playful voice as she poured Yukina a cup of tea.

"Kuzuma and Koenma mentioned that you wanted to meet with me this morning to go over your injuries, is that still correct Hikari-chan?"

"If you have time that would be amazing. I am itching to get training again. I have always been the doing sort of demon, not the sitting sort".

Yukina laughed at Hikari's comment and said, "I have time. I want to do it at Genkai's temple though, because my medical treatment office is there, and Koenma sounded like he wanted this to be official. Is that alright with you?"

"Ummm yea, that's fine. I'm ready to go whenever you are."

"Aren't you missing something important?" Yusuke teased as he pressed upon one of her legging covered feet with his foot.

"My black boots are by the door, Baka."

"Then let's go" Yukina said sweetly.

Hiei watched Hikari go, unable to avoid staring too openly at her beautiful figure, and thought to himself, _why did I let her go? _Dismissing the thought Hiei turned away and straight into Kurama. When Hiei met Kurama's eyes, Kurama gave him an odd look full of surprise, caring and. . .pity?

Hiei felt himself turning crimson as he pushed past Kurama and out into the hallway.

"Hiei!" Kurama called after him. Hiei turned around to see it was just him and the red head in the hallway. "Hiei" Kurama panted slightly when he got to Hiei's side, "when did you fall in love with her again?"

"You are talking nonsense fox."

"Don't pull that on me Hiei, I know you. We have been friends for too long."

Hiei sighed, still not willing to meet Kurama's eyes. "I don't know. I put her out of my mind after we separated, or at least I thought I did. But finding her mind when Koenma asked me to was so easy, so familiar. And when she was hurt I wanted. . . I needed to protect her. She is so strong Kurama, but also so fragile and broken inside. I want to save her, to remind her who she really is. . . the woman who was my mate. . ." Hiei trailed off.

"Oh Hiei" Kurama said, before unexpectedly hugging his friend fiercely. "I suppose when someone like you finds love it is never simple." Kurama turned and walked back to the kitchen to finish the dishes, his heart fearing for the tender feelings of his best friend.

When Hikari and Yukina exited the portal to Ningenkai Hikari gasped at the beauty of the area and the temple before her. Such green did not exist in Makai. The warmth of the sun was so much different than the spirit world's artificial light. She couldn't help but feel there was something in Ningenkai worth preserving, even if the humans were useless. A old woman with aged pink wavy hair was in front of the temple, apparently tending the garden. The woman turned when Hikari and Yukina approached.

"Grandmother" Hikari said, bowing to the woman.

"Genkai-sama, this is Hikari-san. Hikari-san, this is Genkai-sama, this is her temple" Yukina introduced.

"Your grounds here are breath taking." Hikari said in awe.

Genkai offered one of her rare smiles. "Feel free to come here to enjoy them whenever it suits you. Your soul could benefit from some of the healing nature can offer."

Taken aback momentarily by Genkai's piercing words, Hikari collected herself and bowed again, "Your invitation is most generous. I will anticipate taking advantage of it in the future."

They all bowed to each other, and Hikari and Yukina excused themselves. Hikari followed Yukina to the back of the temple and into a small dojo which had been made up into a sickroom. Herbs of various kinds hung from the ceiling, making the room fragrant. There were a few pallets laid against the wall for the sick, and dressers which Hikari assumed were fill of healing supplies. Along the far wall a small fire place with a tea kettle ready use, and a table and chairs near the hearth. "Make yourself comfortable on one of the pallets" Yukina instructed as she brought a fire to life to boil water for tea. "Oh, and I am sorry but I am going to need you to change into this robe for the examination. There is a screen folded up against the wall over there if you would like privacy".

Hikari took the robe Yukina offered and disappeared being the screen. Carefully she took off her boots, tunic, and leggings, and replaced them with the silk robe, patterned with Sakura petals. Hikari folded up her clothing in her arms and then reappeared from the screen feeling considerably naked. Yukina was waiting for her by one of the pallets. Hikari laid down upon it and focused her eyes on the ceiling.

"I'm sorry, this is never a very comfortable process, but I will try to get it finished as quickly and efficiently as possible." Yukina said. Hikari gave a nod for Yukina to begin.

Yukina's hands glowed with a blue fire as she placed the along Hikari's body, pausing longest on the areas that Hikari had recently injured in the torture. Occasionally Hikari would feel a small shock, as if a spark had gone into her body. The first time Hikari jumped, but afterward she kept her body as still as possible to aid Yukina. Hikari kept her eyes on the ceiling. After being raped so many times during those three weeks of torture, Hikari was uncomfortable with any physical contact with someone else, especially when she was so exposed. Eventually Yukina stopped and the blue fire on her hands faded as she said, "we're all set, you can put your clothes on, and then come sit at the table and we will have some tea."

Hikari did as instructed. Holding up the rope she said, "Where would you like me to put this?"

"Oh, I'll take it" Yukina said, hanging the rob on a wall hook.

The two women sat down and Yukina poured them both some tea. After a few minutes of polite silence Yukina said, "Well I think I can pass you for your physical examination, Hikari-chan. Your body is still a bit tender, and you have a few old injuries that healed a bit strangely, but I tended most of those."

"Ah, that explains that shocks."

"Yes" Yukina said, smiling. "Those scars on your arm look painful, were they part of the torture used on you?"

"Something like that" Hikari replied evasively, her heart beating fast.

Yukina didn't seem to notice as she continued, "Well I have some cream for scars I am happy to give you, and I have a tea I would like you to drink for the next few weeks after you train, to help your muscles recover from not being used for awhile."

"Thank you." Hikari said, preparing to get up.

"Ummm, one more thing." Yukina said, studying the tea cup in her hands. "Physically you are doing great, and I am impressed and happy you have had such a swift recovery. But I, and the others too, are a bit concerned about the other effects the torture had on you. Even after meeting once briefly Genkai-sama saw it too, your soul is a bit out of sorts. I don't know if talking to someone would help you, but as your friend I am always wanting to listen and support you. Some people find journal writing very therapeutic. I am not sure what works best for you, but I think you need a constructive outlet for all the hurt and abuse you felt. I mean. . . I guess I am rambling, but do you understand what I am trying to say?"

"I do" Hikari said quietly, "and I thank you and the others for your concern. I will try to keep your counsel in mind, but really I'll be fine, don't worry."

Yukina shook her head, privately thinking _sometimes you are too much like Hiei for your own good. _Instead Yikina said,"I think I am going to help Genkai-sama with some of the gardening, Hikari. Feel free to go back on your own. Oh, and here I will write a note telling Koenma I passed you."

Handing the note to Hikari, both women bowed and exited the dojo, separating to their individual destinations. Hikari reported to Koenma's office to give him Yukina's note. The ogre at the door, however, said Koenma could not be interrupted at the moment, so Hikari left the note with the Ogre and made her way to her room.

Hiei had hoped that the struggle the day before would have made Hikari more cautious about cutting again, and thus found himself disappointed to see Hikari go to her room, belt knife in hand and a roll of bandages concealed under her tunic. Hiei resigned himself to the reality that Hikari's habit was going to put up a fight. Fear never inspired permanent change. If he was right, this wasn't the first time Hikari had participated in self harm, if her torture wounds were any indication. After about 15 minutes Hikari emerged from her room wearing long sleeved training gear and sporting a faint bulge over her left arm were Hiei presumed bandages had been placed to hide newly torn skin.


	8. Chapter 8

I am sorry to report that this might be the last chapter update for the next week or so. I have been using the writing of this fanfic to procrastinate finishing the rough draft of my thesis, so now I have to get back to work. I am close to being done, and have to have the draft finished by August 15th, so I should be posting again soon. Stay patient with me, okay? And enjoy this chapter. Jenna, this one is for you .

Chapter 8

Hiei scowled to himself as he watched the team's attitudes towards his and Hikari's situation change as the weeks past. They began to view him with pity and condolence, and seemed to be resenting Hikari for ignoring Hiei's kindness. Hiei knew better and wished he had some way of explaining to the others that he deserved Hikari's treatment and that she had every right to hate him. Hikari hadn't even been that outright awful, normally she just avoided Hiei. Now that Hikari was cleared for training by Koenma she spend as much time rebuilding her strength as her newly healed body would let her. Apparently either Kurama had been talking, or Hiei had not been as secret about his feelings as he thought, because more and more he heard the gang making small comments that took Hikari to task for her negative and despondent treatment of him. Idiots, all of them.

Hikari had played Yukina's words of guidance over and over again in her head. Each day she chose to harm herself over the flashbacks and emotional pain she felt, a part of her said there was another way to seek relief. Hikari's guilt was so great that she had gotten very close to talking to Yukina instead of cutting, so close to admitting to the team that she wasn't over the torture and it was taking over her life and she couldn't handle it alone. It's not like she was the only one with problems, everyone seemed to carry their own baggage around this place, and everyone seemed to know about everyone else's baggage. Hikari longed to let them in. But every time she got close, thoughts of Hiei would stop her.

Hiei, the one who had taught her that she really couldn't trust anyone. Hiei who kept following her with his eyes and trying to break the walls she kept herself tightly wrapped in. If she let the others in, what would stop Hiei? Hikari couldn't sort out her feelings for Hiei. Ever since she moved in with the team Hiei had behaved like the man she loved, but Hikari could not forget what that man had done. Hikari tried to be cordial, but most of the time ended up snapping at Hiei, because pushing him away let Hikari push away deciding how she felt about him.

Hikari struggled even more when her chose to push Hiei away was greeted with rejection and disdain from the team. Everyone kept saying things like, "Give Hiei a break," or "Lighten up Hikari he is trying to help" and even, "Hikari stop being such a bitch, and learn how to let it go already!" The more they commented, the more Hikari pushed them and Hiei away, which lead to them making even more comments. It was a deadly cycle. Hikari drove herself into training, and cutting, and sleeping, and training, in preparation for the day she could go back to going on solo missions.

Occasionally Hikari was dragged to a team activity, usually by Yukina, which was just often enough to prove to Hikari that no one's attitudes towards her had changes for the better. She didn't want them to feel bad and pity her situation, she just wanted them to stay out of something they didn't understand and wasn't their place to understand.

One afternoon Hikari got a knock on her door. "Give me a minute, I just got out of the shower!" she called back to the door. Hikari pulled on clothes and opened the door to reveal who she had expected, Yukina.

"We are going to have a party at the Temple to celebrate Genkai's birthday, it is a bit of a surprise sort of thing. Anyway, I know how much you loved the grounds, and I would really love it if you came with us tonight."

Hikari sighed, but nodded, she had a hard time saying no to Yukina. "What do I wear to said party?"

Yukina giggled and hugged Hikari saying "Oh good, you are coming! Wear whatever you would like, the dress is casual" Yukina beamed. "We are all going to go over there in about an hour. Meet us outside and we'll catch a portal to the Ningenkai. See you then!" With one last hug, Yukina was gone, skipping down the hall gracefully.

Hikari shook her head at Yukina and shut the door. Going over to her closet Hikari prepared to dress again, this time for a party. Hikari finally decided on a pair of off-white jean shorts, under a dark grey-blue halter top dress with flowers embroidered on it. She put grey drops in her ears and pulled her hair up in a simply knot with her bangs hanging to frame her face. She completed the outfit with a pair of high laced sandals. She wrapped bandages on her each arm, stealing a style mark from Hiei in order to hide her arms from view. By the time Hikari had gotten ready for the evening and straightened up her room it was time to meet the team. Giving herself one least go over in the wall mirror, Hikari left to meet the others.

Genkai was sufficiently surprised by the gathering and she scowled at all of them. Soon though she warmed up and was laughing with everyone else at Yusuke and Kuwabara's stupid antics. When food was eaten and the main living area cleaned up, Kurama turned on some soft music and asked Genkai for a dance. It was well known that Genkai had loved dancing in her youth, but had done very little after she and Toguro had parted. Genkai accepted with a smile. As the song ended and another one began to play Genkai snapped at everyone, "Don't just stand there dimwits, get dancing!"

Quickly Yusuke was dancing and Keiko and Yukina with Kuwabara. Shizuru asked Botan to dance, and Koenma pouted about not getting there first. Tentatively Hiei walked over to Hikari. It took Hiei two songs to get close enough where he could speak to her. Finally Hiei was in front of the wall where Hikari stood. Hands in his pockets and eyes fixed on the ground Hiei asked quietly, "Hikari would you dance with me?"

"No" Hikari replied simply, also unable to meet Hiei's eyes. "Thanks" she added as an after thought.

"Hikari, are you going to play with Hiei's heart forever?" Yusuke shouted out, hearing Hikari's rejection. "Give the poor guy a chance."

Hikari's head shot up to glare at Yusuke. In seconds she boiled with power and anger and pain. Struggling to control the sudden emotion Hikari slammed her fist into the wall and shouted "Damn it!" She created enough commotion that everyone had stopped dancing and stared at her. Their stares pushed Hikari further over the edge. Trembling, she took a deep breath to steady herself before speaking.

"For some reason," Hikari began, her voice freezing the room over with her cold fury, "you think I am the big bad ex lover who is torturing the poor repented Hiei by not forgiving him. Normally I wouldn't give a shit about what any of you think of me. Unfortunately I do have to give a shit because most of us live together and currently work together. Your disdain stems from your ignorance and it is staring to piss me off. You can think I am scum for any of my past offenses, which are quite numerous. I claim no sainthood. Nor would I want to. But I not scum for this. It was actually out of respect for Hiei that I didn't make the specifics of our break up public knowledge. But at this point though, I don't care anymore."

Hikari paused in talking as she walked over to Yukina, noting that she had the full attention of everyone in the room. "Words" Hikari said, "do the matter no justice, so I have a small demonstration for you."

Hikari reached out her hand to pull Yukina's face up to meet hers, icy grey-blue meeting crimson. "Imagine Yukina that you are at the end of your days, dying in regret that you never found your brother, only to discover that it was legend, not reality that your brother survived his fall off the mountain. You spent your whole life on a vain quest only to find out you will die all alone". Yukina shivered.

"That's not good enough, you have to feel it!" Hikari cried. She lowered her hand from Yukina's face and formed a small ball of darkness in it, which she then proceeded to thrust into Yukina's chest. Yukina gasped in pain as the intensity of emotion waved over her. Hikari's abilities as an empathy enabled her to create the emotions Yukina would have felt at such a moment. Emotion swamped Yukina and she fell to her knees, crying in spite of her generally great control over her emotions.

"Hikari, stop it!" Hiei cried. His voice drew her attention and she went towards him. "Your turn, Hiei?" Hikari asked mockingly. Unconsciously Hiei backed away slightly. Hikari summoned another ball of darkness in her hands as she leaned into Hiei enabling herself to whisper in his ear, "Here is what you would feel if your friends actually treated you like the forbidden child you think you are", Hikari spat, and shoved the energy inside Hiei. He groaned and was thrown back against the wall by the force of the emotion. His crimson eyes welled full of loneliness, self-loathing, anger, and fear.

Kurama tried to come to the aid of Hiei and Yukina, but instead walked straight into Hikari's next darkness ball and fell to his knees, clutching his chest. "You are feeling the desperation of being trapped inside Youko while he kills all those you hold most dear."

One by one Hikari implanted each member of the team with the emotions of their greatest fear.

"Botan, you are doomed to forever be too late to save the souls that have passed on. Right as you reach the soul, a soul eating demon devours it. You must watch all the souls you swore to protect be dragged down to the pits of hell."

"Genkai, you had your unborn child and she looks exactly like Tagoro. You hate and love that child, and are haunted by the man that left you until the end of your days."

"Kuwabara, Yukina is dying right before your eyes at the hands of an enemy that is beyond your strength. You are dying as you fail to protect her, her screams echoing in your fading ears".

"Keiko, it's the day that he doesn't come back. You are all alone."

"Yusuke, you died saving that little kid, the only thing you ever accomplished in your miserable life. You never got a second chance. This is your wake up call - welcome to hell."

" Shizuru, you are weak and powerless. There has never been anything special about you. You have never been able to protect those you care for, you cannot even protect yourself. You are forever at the mercy of your abusers."

"Koenma, the Spirit world has fallen, Botan is dead, your Father is angry, and you, the immoral, are about to die."

Hikari watched them all as minutes past by. She waited until one of them was at their breaking point before calling the darkness out of the whole team. Gasps, pants, sighs, groans, sobs, cries, and other various sounds of anguish began to quiet down. Hikari let the glowing orbs of darkness levitate in front of the person they had just been inside.

Everyone's eyes darted towards Hikari as she spoke in a measured whisper, "Imagine not only feeling the pain of that moment, but also seeing that moment in a version, say through telepathy. Imagine that not just one but all of your deepest fears played themselves out before your eyes and burned their pain into your heart until the line between reality and nightmare is blurred out of existence". Hikari turned to look at Hiei as she continued, "Lastly, imagine that the one causing this pain is your love, and he didn't even tell you why".

Hikari shuttered, and her gaze become distant as she continued flashing back to the incident in question, "It was night. We had just finished making beautiful love, and I had fallen asleep. He was afraid of how much he cared for me. I realize now that is why he did it. Hiei was scared of being attached to someone else. In that fear he panicked. The Dragon felt Hiei's emotions and somehow convinced Hiei that with the Dragon's power, I wouldn't be a threat anymore. . . I wouldn't be a source of confusion or a source of weakness. Hiei send the dragon through our mental link into my mind, and what you just felt now was only a sliver of the pain he gave me. The dragon feasted upon my core as a darkness demon, using all his methods to draw more pain and thus power, out of me. . ." Hikari choked, gained control of her emotions and then looked at the others' wide eyed expressions. "I will take those back now" she said gesturing to the darkness orbs.

Slowly the floated to her and settled into her hand, forming one great ball. After she had retrieved them all, Hikari took the glowing dark mass that had formed in her hand, and pressed it into her own chest. She gasped out with pain, overcome by the strength and power everyone's emotions had added to the darkness. Hikari clutched her chest gasping for break, as she fell to her knees.

"Fool" Genkai croaked. "Our deepest pains were poured into that darkness, taking it back now will destroy you!"

"Can't. . . let. . . it. . . go . . . free" Hikari panted. "I. . . take. . . responsibility. . . wasn't. . . trying to hurt. . . you all. Just. . . needed to show you. . . needed you to understand. . . think. . . now of me. . . as you will. . . I don't care. . ."

Yukina was at Hikari's side, still tearing, but at a loss for words. Hikari's own brain was thinking fast, half overrun by the strength of others' emotions now inside her. "Kurama" Hikari breathed at last, "a thorn . . . if you please. . ."

Seconds later Kurama was also at Hikari's side, a thorn from his rose whip in his out stretched hand. Closing her eyes, Hikari yanked the thorn across her palm, slicing it deep.

"What are you. . ." Kurama started, but stopped as darkness, not blood, dripped out of the wound and began to form another orb.

"Serving darkness, even as a darkness demon, still required the demon. . . to follow the rules of . . . sacrifice for calling in its power. . . in this case. . . equivalent exchange, my physical pain for the emission of this emotional darkness. . ." The orb grew in size until it was the size of a compact tennis ball. With a cry of effort Hikari too the ball and shoved it into the ground under her feet. The earth trembled for a moment and then stilled. Completely drained, Hikari teetered backwards, only to be caught by a fire demon's strong arms. Closing her eyes Hikari whispered, "Now do you understand Hiei, what you have done?" She passes into unconsciousness with no response except the shattering fall of Hiei's black tear gems hitting the floor all around then, while he clutched Hikari to his chest.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer – I lack the epicness to be the creator of Yu Yu Hakusho.

A/N – This chapter has a bit more narration than most, please be patient. I promise more poignant dialogue in the future.

Chapter 9

No one knew what to do. Each member of the team was slightly overwhelmed, both by the memory of feeling the emotions for their greatest fear, and by learning the truth of Hikari and Hiei's break up. Yet, any anger the team could feel towards Hiei dissipated the moment they looked up and saw him clutching Hikari to him and weeping with which force it could only been genuine. Either his moment of feeling his worst fear, or his understanding of what he had done to his love had broken him. He sobs were so pitiful and lost, no one knew what to do. Hiei, strong Hiei was sobbing on the floor. Hikari, who probably needed medical attention again, was clutched in Hiei's arms. No one wanted to interfere or felt they could interfere, but watching the scene unfold was agony.

When it was clear Hiei had no more tears inside him, Yukina began picking up his milky black tear gems that had scattered across the floor. Seeing her intention, Kurama took a pouch off his belt and handed it to Yukina, desperate to do something. Together they filled the pouch. Kuwabara, who had gathered the handful of tear gems Yukina shed, walked of over to the pair, his eyes wide and sad.

"They belong to her, they belong to Hikari" Yukina whispered, "that's the rule. Tear gems belong to those whom they were shed for. . . I know a way to make a necklace out of them, I will do it".

Seeing that Yukina was trembling, Kuwabara gently lifted the pouch out of her hands and pulled her into him. It felt good to give her comfort. Giving her his love was his own brand of comfort for himself. "I'll help you" Kuwabara said, keeping his arm around Yukina's shoulders as the exited the hall.

Hiei had drifted off into a fitful sleep, Hikari tossing and turning in his arms, battling her own nightmares. "Yusuke, help me" Kurama croaked, his voice raw. Together they lifted Hikari and Hiei off the floor and headed towards Yukina's sick room pallets. Realizing their destination, Keiko and Botan rushed before them and prepared two pallets, side by side. As gently as possible, Yusuke and Kurama settled Hiei and Kurama onto the pallets.

Genkai, who had apparently followed them, moved in, her hands glowing with blue fire. Tenderly she placed a glowing hand on Hikari and Hiei's forehead. After a moment each stopped moaning and tossing, their nightmares seemed to be eased temporarily. Genkai had used more power than she intended, she teetered slightly, but was steadied by Yusuke.

"Thank you, Grandma" Yusuke said, almost reverently.

"It was the least and the only thing I could do. They and any of you who would like are welcome to stay at my temple as long as needed. I. . . I can't say when they will wake, but at least this way they have a better chance of getting some rest. . . Such power. . ." Genkai said with a shiver as she remembered her ordeal with Hikari's darkness ball, "and such control. She is a remarkable demon. . ."

"And such pain" Botan whimpered. "Hikari has been working as a Spirit detective for several years now, and I never knew. . ."

As it became apparent that nothing more could be done for Hikari and Hiei, everyone separated to their own places in the house, to contemplate the ordeal of Hikari had put them through with their worst fears, and by extension, the ordeal Hikari had gone through at Hiei's hand. Botan went and hugged Koenma, gently lowering his head to her lap; he hadn't moved at all since Hikari took her darkness orb back. Botan ran her hands through his hair has she muttered soothing things. Keiko and Yusuke held each other in a corner, not saying a word. Kuwabara sat holding the hilt to his spirit sword, lost in the memory. Yukina was nearby, holding the necklace of tear gems she had completed, awed, troubled, and shaken by what had happened to cause the tearless to weep so much. Kurama took Hiei's normal position, gazing out the window, at a loss for thought and feeling. Shizuru had gone over to make some tea, but was still staring into the kettle blankly after all the water had boiled away. Genkai held her face in her hands and wept silently for the child she was never able to bare, and the lover who left her. And there everyone remained, until the raising of the cool grey dawn.

Hikari blinked to early sunlight streaming through her window, only to realize it was not her window, but the window in Yukina's infirmary. Hikari sighed, unhappy with how much she seemed to find herself in the hospital of late, especially after so many years of striving to avoide physicians. She supposed and semi-admitted that she hadn't really let herself heal in a long time, and maybe this was the result of her body's inability to keep pace anymore. Either that or the amount of stupid and dangerous things she had been doing of late was increasing exponentially. _How long had it been since I have had people I wanted to protect as much as the team? Not since Hiei. . ._

Hikari shook herself away from this line of thought and focused on getting out of bed. The temple seemed quiet, but she hardly expected it to be any different. As she worked to stand up from her pallet she noticed that there was a pallet next to her, disheveled and recently in use, though not currently inhabited. _Who was sleeping here next to me? Did I miscalculate and accidently break the spirit of someone in the team? No, if that was the case they would still be lying here. _

Hikari took inventory of her body. Other than her self-inflicted injuries, which she noted with dismay had been redressed, her body seemed exhausted, but not particularly damaged. It helped, she thought, being a darkness demon who truly understood the ways and laws of darkness. One wrong step in the whole process would have killed a lesser or more experienced demon. As it was, she had been much closer than she would have wanted to being lost to the intense darkness. Genkai had been right, Hikari had not been prepared to handle the agony of everyone's emotions. Last night was the first time she had ever tried such a technique, so she wasn't exactly sure what to expect from it.

Noticing a pair of slippers by her bed, Hikari slid them on and padded down the hallway towards the main room of the temple. In the main room everyone was in various forms of sleep. Yukina and Kuwabara were snuggled against each other. Yusuke held Keiko in his arms, his head resting atop hers. Kurama was perched on the window, head sunk down to his chest. Genkai was in a corner, curled into herself, Shizuru nearby, also asleep. Botan and Koenma lay near each other, hands close enough to have been touching when the two were awake. Hikari took joy in the apparent comfort the team had been able to give each other. Hikari retrieved a pillow and put it under Kurama's head, tilting it against the wall so he would avoid a neck ache upon waking. She also procured pillows and blankets for the rest of the team from a hall closet.

Only when she was finished and had begun cooking breakfast did Hikari let her thoughts dwell momentarily upon the member of the team who as not there. . . Hiei. He must have been who had been in the pallet next to her, she sighed, remembering his tears. Crying took the energy out of any normal human or demon, she couldn't imagine what sort of energy loss occurred from producing so many tear gems. Hikari's heart sank as she felt tears sting her own eyes. It had been so important for her to make him understand what he had done. . . but what had the cost been? She had wanted to talk to him, to explain to him why she needed him to understand what he had accidently done to her, why she had needed so much time to forgive him. . . but now he was gone. She knew Hiei, and knew that wherever he went now and whatever he intended to do it would not be good. She longed to go after him, but was constrained by her responsibility to clean up after her technique and make sure the others were going to be okay. If she had done lasting damage on any of their minds, the time to mend it was presently. She also had to apologize for ruining Genkai's birthday. . . for that Hikari felt horrible.

Hikari fired up the rice cooker, sliced pork, and fried eggs for everyone's breakfast. Despite all the darkness of the last day, Hikari could not help but smile at Genkai's traditional Japanese kitchen and pallet. It was a tie to culture that Hikari had never had, perhaps she would adopt Japan's cultures as her own.

As Hikari was setting out bowls, cups, and chopsticks a sleepy eyes Yusuke poked his head in the kitchen, and leaned against the door frame. He looked as though it had ages five years in one night. Without a word Hikari went over to him and embraced him. "I'm sorry" she whispered.

"No, I am sorry" Yusuke said dejectedly. "I judged you so much and I never knew. . . I didn't even try to know. I am so sorry, Hikari."

"Thank you" Hikari replied gently. "That's all I wanted, not to hurt any of you, I just wanted you all to understand." After pausing for a moment Hikari said, "Come, help me wake the others, breakfast is almost ready".

"Of course" Yusuke replied, not even sure if he had an appetite for eating.

Guessing his thought Hikari added, "Food will do everyone good, it has a habit of raising spirits I think."

Yusuke nodded.

As Hikari and Yusuke woke everyone, Hikari could not look any of them in the eyes. She felt exposed suddenly, because all these people knew her deepest secret. In her angry the night before she had not thought of this consequence to her actions. As she woke Botan, Koenma, Kurama, and Shizuru she could feel their pitying stares.

When Yusuke woke Genkai, Hikari went over, eyes on the ground in front of her feet. Hikari bowed deeply to Genkai before saying "Gomen. I am sorry for ruining your birthday celebration. I don't ask your forgiveness, I only want to tell. . ." Hikari rambled, and was cut off by a bone crushing hug from the elder woman.

Hikari gasped, trying to swallow her shock. _Why are people being so kind to me?_

"The wounds your soul bears are beyond my skill to heal, but my temple and its grounds are always open to you when you decide you are ready to seek healing" Genkai said, letting go of Hikari.

"I. . .thankyou" was all Hikari could manage, blushing. _Was it so awful for people to know I had been in pain? On their own terms, each of them had expressed care for me over the time I have known them. Isn't this what people do for those they care for? _

More hugs were exchanged, with few words spoken. Too much had happened for words to be sufficient to conveying it. Hikari made the announcement that breakfast had been made. The sober group moved to the kitchen. Yusuke and Kuwabara tried to make a few jokes to lighten the mood, but even their efforts were half-hearted. As Hikari got to the kitchen door she felt a tug on her arm and turned to see Kurama. "Is he gone then?" the red head asked.

"Yes. I plan on going after him. I just had to know you all were okay first."

"Not alone, please. . . in my own way I love him too."

"Kurama. . . I. . ." Hikari stammered trying to object. Then Hikari felt a sharp grip on her bandaged left arm, and was surprised to see it was Yukina who held her.

"Hiei told me about this" Yukina said, giving Hikari's bandages a small squeeze. "I gave you the chance to tell me on your own at your examination, but you didn't, so I am telling you now that I know."

"As do I" Kurama said quietly.

Yukina felt herself tearing again as she continued, "You are not okay, this cutting thing is not okay, not when we are with you. From now on come talk to me first, and if you still want to do it after we talk, we'll figure what else to do. Seeing Hiei-san will be very hard for you, as will the journey to find him. I will not let you go alone knowing you will hurt yourself the whole way. It stops now." Yukina said, trying to put as much force into her calm voice as possible.

"We at least are going to come with you to find him" Kurama finished.

Hikari, who had been standing up against the wall, now slid down it, covering her face in her hands. This intervention was too much after everything that happened. _How can they take it away from me now of all times? Now when I'd need it more than ever. _

Hikari felt gentle hands pull her face up to meet crimson eyes. "Now is the best time to learn how to need your friends. We won't expect perfection, but now is a good time to start."

Hikari sighed deeply and leaned her head against the wall, eyes closed, concentrating on her breath and the rhythm of her chest moving in and out. The idea of giving up self harm filled her with such panic that she couldn't speak for several minutes. Finally Hikari said, "I will try, but please, keep the addiction intervention for when we get back. If we don't find him in time. . . it. . . it won't matter ".

"What will you do?" Kurama asked.

"I hope none of us have to find out" was all Hikari replied. Then she said, "I can't handle everyone coming, this cannot be a Koenma team mission".

"I doubt it will be" Kurama supplied, "there are too many things going on in the spirit world right now, Koenma will not be able to spare Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Botan."

"Okay".

The three went into the kitchen and announced their plan. Hikari felt emotionally drained and couldn't find the energy to combat everyone's protests. She slumped on a chair in the corner of the room to drink a cup of tea, leaving Kurama and Yukina the task of arguing their cause to the others. Hikari realized she must have dosed off, because she felt a gentle shake and Yukina whisper "it's over. They aren't happy about it, but they won't stop us. You need some sleep, and that is not negotiable. We will leave tomorrow morning." As Hikari began to object Yukina put up a finger and continued, "I have medicines that will put you out for a week if you would rather, and Kurama and I will go without you, those are your two choices. You might not care about your well being, but as your friend, Hikiari, I do" Yukina finished crossly.

Hikari sighed and nodded, she didn't have enough energy to fight Yukina right now. She felt like a doll as someone picked her up, and walked through a portal to the spirit world. Hikari went in and out consciousness as she was carried through Koenma's castle and to her room. Putting her on her bed Kurama said, "I will come wake you a bit before dawn so you can pack and get ready. For today, we will all sleep. Yukina apologizes for putting a sleeping herb in your tea, and says it will only make you sleep until tomorrow. Good night Hikari and. . . I too am sorry. . . for all of this. He loves you, just know that Hiei loves you, of that I am sure."

Hikari's eyes fluttered for the final time before closing in sleep, as Kurama left her room, heading towards his own day of sleep before their search for Hiei began the next morning.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer – Only in my imagination do I own Yu Yu Hakusho and this epic Linkin Park song that I use in this chapter. Enjoy.

A/N - this is a short filler-ish chapter, covering some of the things I realized I left out before. They will begin their search for Hiei starting next chapter.

Jenna - I am not 100% sure if Yukina knows Hiei is her brother at this point, I will have to ask her and see. Regardless, I think it would be rather compatible with Yukina's character to keep her formality with and respect for Hiei by using the "san" honorific. As far as making Yukina a stronger chapter in this fanfic, I always think of Yukina's amazing bravery and power to not cry when she is being tortured for her tear gems. I think if Yukina got more screen time, and Yu Yu Hakusho was a bit less sexist (just stating a fact, a lot of animes are sexist), we would see more of this side of Yukina. Oh, and Hiei with angry birds in the last chapter was basically a random idea that I just went with, I am glad you liked it, I got a good chuckle out of that scene as well.

Chapter 10

Hikari woke to her puppy, shadow, licking her face. "Oh shit" she muttered sleepily, "Aren't you a little fighter. When in the hell did I feed you last? I'm an awful owner; let's get you some food boy".

"I get some, it's in the closet right? You just focus on getting up. You should have been asleep for hours yet, but I forgot to give you something that can't wait for tomorrow" Yukina said, walking over to the food bag.

"Hear that boy, someone is going to take care of you. I will have to talk to Botan about feeding you while I am gone looking for Hiei. . . or maybe I should have Keiko do it, she is a bit less forgetful." Shadow whimpered and Hikari rubbed his ears, "No boy, you can't come with me. It is way too dangerous. Plus, I am doing an awful job looking out for myself lately, I'm afraid something would happen to you." Shadow still whimpered until Yukina came back with his food and water bowls. Happily Shadow jumped off the bed and began to tuck into his food.

"Good boy" Hikari said tiredly, and forced herself into a sitting position. "Yukina can you grab that vile on my night stand, it will help me wake up". Yukina handed the vile to Hikari, who uncorked it and breathed in the scent of the oil inside. Her head beginning to clear, Hikari corked the vile and put in on the bed. "You put some strong stuff in my tea, I never get this drowsy after effect from the sleep herbs I use. When we have more time you will have to show me what you used".

"I will show you the day you show me what is in your sleepy tea" Yukina said with a small smile.

"Fair enough" Hikari chuckled. "What can I do for you, Yukina?"

Yukina stiffened slightly and became more serious. "I. . . this for you" Yukina said, handing Hikari a strand of breathtaking milky black and blue gem stones. "It's the law among my people that tear gems belong to the person who. . . who they were shed for, so these belong to you". Preempting Hikari's response Yukina added, "Please do not try to give them back, it would be an insult and it would not be right".

Keeping her mouth shut Hikari studied the strand of gems in her lap, held together by s silver clasp. The gems were strung in a pattern, three black gems and then a blue one, repeating over and over again with enough length to make a necklace. Hikari shivered, unable to get herself to count how many tears she had caused Hiei to shed. _God Hiei, what have we done?_

Yukina waited for a moment to make sure Hikari wasn't going to thrust the gems back at her before she moved forward and fassened the strand around Hikari's neck. "Please, guard them with your life, they are most precious" Yukina said, and headed for the door.

"Yukina?"

"Yes?"

"When did he tell you about. . . about. . ."

"That you weren't handling everything alright? That you were self-harming?" Yukina supplied gently.

"Yea. . . that."

"He came and found me the morning before your examination. He was scared to death that he had given himself away when we barged into the kitchen mid-conversation, but I think you were too panicked to give our entrance a second thought."

"I noticed you guys come in, but I didn't pay it much mind." Hikari sighed deeply. "Did Hiei say how he knew?"

"No, but I do know that Hiei is very watching and observant of those he cares about. If the problem is as bad has Hiei made it out to be, then he has probably observed you doing it more than once".

"The woods" Hikari muttered to herself.

"Hmmm?" Yukina asked.

"Nothing. Thank you Yukina, for everything. You look as beat as Kurama, please go get some rest."

"You as well Hikari, you still look very pale, even for you."

"Okay" Hikari replied as Yukina exited and closed the door behind her.

Hikari leaned back into her pillows, feeling crushed into the bed by the heaviness in her heart. Weary to her soul Hikari allowed herself to think about Hiei and to just feel what came to her. There were too many emotions to try to sort them out, so Hikari just breathed in and out, exhaling one emotion to inhale the next. Despite how tired her body was, Hikari quickly realized that sleep was not going to return to her. Rather than try a cup of her own sleepy tea, Hikari when in search of a keyboard. After wondering the castle hallways and into empty rooms Hikari for about an hour Hikari found herself in front of the room she had unintentionally been searching for all along, Hiei's room.

Hikari opened the door and stepped inside. Hikari breathed in, unable not to realize how much the room carried his scent. The room was simple, just the necessities. The walls were a deep grey, patterned with reds and blacks and purples, as if someone had make his walls their paint splatter canvas. His bed and night stand were made of a black wood with designs and accents carved into the woods. His sheets were the grey of the walls and his pillows were black. The point where the room drew the eye was the window, a beautiful dormer window of solid glass, held together by the pressure of the window frame but without supports so the view of the forest below wasn't marred in any way. There were rich red curtains around the window, and a soft pillowed window seat. _That answers that question _Hikari thought, _his butt does get sore from sitting on the hard wood all the time. _

Though alluring, Hikari did not go to the window. Instead she looked to the darkest corner of the room where she knew she would find a dust covered keyboard. She reached over and hovered over the keys for a moment, remembering his face and how relaxed he had been while sitting down at his keyboard. Hiei had been able to make the instrument sing and weep in a way that kept Hikari mesmerized for hours. Realizing she was too tired to carry the keyboard herself, she enlisted the help of the rooms many shadows. The shadows formed a black pool under the keyboard and used their collective movements to pull the keyboard along. Fortunately Hiei's room was not far from Hikari's. Once the shadows had deposited the keyboard on her room balcony, she thanked them by touching each shadow with a small part of her power, and then left them to return to the items that cast them. Shadows, Hikari understood, never liked to be separated long from the caster.

Dragging her desk chair onto the balcony as well, Hikari settled in front of the keyboard and began to bring the keys to life again. As darkness fell, Hikari moved shadows around to pull the bits of scattered light as she kept playing.

When Kurama came to wake Hikari a couple hours before dawn, he found her bed empty. His fox ears keen as ever, Kurama heard the sound of music coming from the balcony. Quiet Kurama opened the door leading to the outside space just enough to catch a glimpse of Hikari sitting there, playing on Hiei's keyboard. Kurama had never heard Hiei play, but recognized the keyboard for the times Kurama had visited Hiei's room. Rather than interrupt her, Kurama listened to Hikari's haunting voice as she sang and played her soul's pain into music.

_"You hid your skeletons when I had shown you mine  
You woke the devil that I thought you'd left behind  
I saw the evidence, the crimson soaking through  
Ten thousand promises, ten thousand ways to lose_

And you held it all, but you were careless to let it fall  
You held it all, and I was by your side  
Powerless 

_I watched you fall apart and chased you to the end.  
I'm left with emptiness that words cannot defend  
You'll never know what I became because of you  
Ten thousand promises, ten thousand ways to lose_

And you held it all, but you were careless to let it fall 

_You held it all, and I was by your side _

_Powerless_

_And you held it all, but you were careless to let it fall _

_You held it all, and I was by your side _

_Powerless_

Powerless 

_Powerless. _

When Hikari finished, she leaned her head on the keyboard, breathing deeply. In that night of sleeplessness she had been able to find words and voice for her feelings about Hiei. She was not overcome by them anymore; they had been sung out of her, pressed away from her into the keys and through her feet into the pedals and through her vocals cords into the sky. Nothing in her situation had changed, but being able to put words to it for the first time in so long made all the difference to Hikari. "Hiei, I love you" Hikari whispered, before falling asleep on her arms, folded across the keyboard.

Kurama smiled sadly at the weight of the song he had just heard and walked over to his young friend. Careful not to wake her, Kurama picked Hikari up gently from the keyboard and laying her just as gently on her own bed inside the room. "You did well, Hikari. Now sleep. We will leave when you wake again." Kurama kissed her forehead and pulled her covered over her small body. Kurama retrieved a spare sheet for the hall and draped it over the keyboard, leaving it on the balcony for the moment. As an afterthought Kurama scribbled a note onto Hikari's desk, explaining his decision to put off their departure, while avoiding mentioning that he had heard Hikari's song. Smiling tiredly he went to find Yukina to tell her that they were all going to go back to bed.

Hikari was right that Hiei was probably planning to do something stupid, but Kurama also knew that Hiei was the brooding sort much more than the rash doing sort. They had a bit of time to find Hiei before they put his plan into action. Kurama still felt drained from the emotional experience Hikari had given him, to be trapped inside Youko while his hands killed everyone he loved and cared for. The moments had been so real that Kurama had to keep reminding himself they were not. Kurama would need time to recover, but for now he would settle for having the next few hours. When they found Hiei, Kurama would take some time off; maybe he would even bring Shizuru along with him.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N - Hey guys, thank you for being awesome and sorry it took me so long to update, but on the bright side, I finished the rough draft of my thesis, woot! Now I just have to edit it like crazy. Besides, writing this chapter was probably the hardest thus far, not writer's block just. . . struggling to find the right angle. Anyway, on to the good stuff. Enjoy!

Chapter 11

Hikari woke to find herself in her bed again, knowing for sure this time that she had not put herself there. "What time is it?" she mumbled to herself, her voice full of sleep.

"It's about two in the afternoon" someone answered.

"Shit, why didn't you. . .?" Hikari trailed off, seeing Kurama holding up a note in his hands. "Ah" Hikari replied awkwardly, reading the note Kurama handed her.

"Yukina and I were the better for more rest too, so everything is alright" Kurama said comfortingly.

"Fair enough. I'll see you guys in the living room all ready in say. . . an hour?"

"Of course, I will let Yukina know. I think we are both about packed ourselves. I am taking care of caring the food and Yukina has volenteered to carry medical supplies, which leaves. . ."

"Weapons for me. I can handle that. I assume you will be using your rose whip, will you want any other other weapon?"

"I think not. Hmmm. . . perhaps you should bring a few extra throwing knives for me, just in case" Kurama replied.

"I can do that, I will just sharpen a few of my old ones. Do you think Yukina would want any?"

"No" they replied simultaneously. Hikari and Kurama looked at each other with a smile.

"Right. I will bring my katana, bow and arrows, throwing knives, and whatever else I can cook up. You and Yukina will have the best assasin protection that money could have bought you."

"What better protection could we have than an ex assasin gone spirit detective?" Kurama chuckled.

"At your service" Hikari smiled with a mock bow. "Now get out of here so I can pack and change."

"Of course." Kurama made it most of the way to the door before turning back and saying, "Hikari, have you tried. . .?"

Again Hikari cut him off, knowing his question before he finished, "All yesterday while I was playing his keyboard. I thought, I hoped that maybe playing the instrument he poured so much of his soul into would being us closer, but no luck. He has shut my mental link with him good and tight, and he's the telepathy, not me. I can share the mental link with him, but I can't create one."

"I supposed as much, he severed my connection with him as well" Kurama sighed with resignation. "See you in an hour".

When Kurama left Hikari wasted no time. She jumped in the shower, washed, and was out within three minutes. Not knowing when she would get another shower, Hikari felt she should take the opportunity now. Hikari went to her closet, and pushed the general clothes to the side to reach her tracking gear she had been wearing on missions for Koenma. She pulled out underclothing, a black long sleeved tunic, black legging pants, and her black army boots. The material of her clothes was sturdy, but light, and was soft enough to not chafe her skin when running long distances. From a drawer she took out her leather archer's guards and laced them on. After she dressed she brushed her hair and tied it into an efficient braid, figuring the style would keep for awhile without washing. Then Hikari went to the chest in front of her bed and took out her leg and arm knives, and well was the wrap-like sheathes she wore them in. Tying the last of her knives in place, she went to work sharpening three blades for Kurama, beautiful black steel, weighted perfectly for deadly aim. Hikari also grabbed a small dagger from the chest, intending to force Yukina to wear it on her belt in case of emergencies. If she got Yukina killed, Hiei would never forgive her, and she would never forgive herself for letting her best friend die. _Best friend, I have a best friend? Huh, who'd have thought. . ._

Finished with sharpening the throwing knives, Hikari placed them in a roll up three knife sheath, and tucked it into the side satchel she planned to bring. Since she was in charge of weapons she had to travel light, in order to preserve enough agility to use the weapons she brought. She Picked her lightest katana and tied it onto her belt, and then strapped her quiver securely around her mid section. Draping a cloak around herself and picking up her bow, Hikari headed for the living room, ready for the hunt.

To her surprise, Koenma was waiting in the living room with Kurama and Yukina. One look at everyone and Hikari knew something was wrong, Yukina and Kurama looked nervous. As soon as Hikari walked into sight, Koenma stood up from his chair, an act that might have been intimidating if he was not in his baby form and thus not quite three feet tall. "Hikari, I have been very patient thus far and stayed out of things, but with you intending to go on this. . . search. . . with no way of knowing when you will be back and what will happen, I cannot let you leave until you tell me what you learned during your time captive in Demon City. I have to prepare for whatever is coming and I cannot do that while I know nothing!" Koenma snapped, keeping his temper until the end of his obviously carefully prepared speech.

Hikari closed her eyes, searching for patience for people who only cared about and had vision for their own problems and needs. When she failed to find any she opened her eyes, and in a flash had her hand wrapped around Koenma's throat, pinning him to the wall. She heard gasps behind her but ignored them. Realizing after a moment that he couldn't breathe, she released him, letting Koenma sink to the floor. She hadn't wanted to hurt him, just to. . . get his attention. "Okay, fine" Hikari said in a measured tone. "Yes, an assault on Reikai was being planned, thought to be perfectly honest, someone, somewhere is always planning an assault on Reikai. There were some powerful demons behind this one, a large group of upper A class demons with a variety of talents. However demons are demons, and none of them trusted each other. They got me because I was alone, and tired and careless. If I recall correctly most of those involved where killed upon my rescue. I doubt the group stayed together, they were so distrustful of each other. I can almost guarantee they went their separate ways and are looking for other dissatisfied factions to join. I am sure you can send an agent or two of yours to confirm that. If you feel like waiting, I will happily find that information out for you myself when I return. Satisfied now?"

Sputtering Koenma said, " should throw you into prison for this! I could have you killed for what you just did!"

Hikari crouched down to Koenma's pathetic form and growled icily, "make no mistake, Koenma, though I am one of your Spirit Detectives I will kill you and anyone else who gets between me and finding Hiei. If he is unhurt and comes back with us safely, I would care less what you do to me, I will kill myself in front of you if you want. Until then, I must recommend for your health that you stay the hell away from me because you have no chains I won't break, and when I break them, you will regret it."

Koenma shivered, and only managed to nod. Hikari stood up, turned around, and was surprised to see Kurama and Yukina looking at her with awe. "What?!" Hikari snapped, blushing, "I dated Hiei for crying out loud, do you think I couldn't handle a bad tempered man-baby?"

Yukina snorted with laughter, and Kurama found himself snickering as he imagined Hikari intimidating Hiei by a solid telling off. If anyone could keep him in line, it was her for sure. Koemna's indignance at being called a man-baby was ignored by all as Hikari, Kurama, and Yukina exited the front door and headed for the portal to Makai and their search for Hiei.

"This is fucking damned useless shit, God damnit!" Hikari yelled, slamming her fist into the nearest tree. The shock and pain of the tree slamming back into Hikari's fist was a slight relief to all her frustration. Day three of their search for Hiei was going as miserably as the first two days, even more so because a whole other day had gone by with no sign of Hiei, no hint of his whereabouts. Hikari knew she was pouting, was being a child about the whole thing, but she didn't have the strength to do anything about it. Her body rebelled at so much moving and doing, without rest, the flashbacks, which she had temporarily been relieved of in light of all the drama with Hiei, had begun again in earnest the first night of their search. Makai depressing stormy atmosphere after all the green and life of Genkai's temple also pulled on Hikari's spirits.

Kurama and Yukina were in little better shape. Both demons had been tired and worn at the beginning of the search. The small breaks, relentless searching, and the fear of being attacked weighted heavily on them, as well was the fear that after three days time they might be too late to find a Hiei in one piece.

As if simultaneously decided, everyone unloaded their packs and slid to the ground. Hikari didn't know whether to scream, cry, or kill something. She knew she couldn't sit still, a need to do something filled her like an itch she couldn't scratch, and her agitation would assuridly bring on a new flashback soon. So far she felt she had managed to hide from her two companions that images, smells, sounds, and pain from her weeks of being tortured kept coming to her out of no where, and particularly when she was tired. Hikari did not fool herself into thinking Yukina and Kurama didn't notice anything, but she could easily dismiss their concerns, if brought up, by her concern for Hiei and her feelings of being powerless to help him, which were both true enough. Feeling like she couldn't sit still another minute, Hikari bolted up and muttered something about going to get firewood.

"As long as you leave those here" Yukina said quietly, referring to the collection of knives on Hikari's person. Kurama and Yukina had been brutally true to their world about being attentive to Hikari's self harm and hadn't let her out of their sight when she was armed. Hikari understood their caring, but with the flashbacks and her fear for Hiei, she NEEDED RELIEF! _Tell them about the flashbacks,_ one of her voices of conscious pushed. _NO! __ Now is not the time to appear weak! I can deal with my own shit after, not now!_ Hikari counted. _Now is not about me, its about Hiei and bringing him home. _ Realizing that Yukina was studying her intently, Hikari tried to relax herself and unstrapped her knives. With a mocking curtsy Hikari said, "As you wish, my lady" and retreated into the woods.

Coming back towards camp after a hard run, and arms fill of firewood, Hikari slowed to a stop as she heard Yukina and Kurama's hushed and urgent whispers. "She can't handle her own emotions right now, none of us can! Do you really think asking her do to that will help anything?"

"If we don't find him, I think we will end up loosing both of them. It's better for her to try than just give up, and honestly we don't have any clues of where to find him. Even Mukuro didn't have any news of Hiei" Kurama sighed. They had sought an audience with Mukuro when the first arrived in Makai. After explaining the situation to her, Mukuro showed genuine and uncharacteristic remorse and worry for her declared heir, and promised she would send word if she heard any helpful news. Though a positive visit, the lack of news had disheartened the searching trio.

"As _endearing_ as it is to see you two talking about me behind my back, it is actually starting to seriously piss me off. Say whatever it is to my damn face" Hikari spat, emerging from the trees with her firewood.

"Hikari-chan-" Yukina began, not really sure what she was planning on saying.

"-is abosolutely right" Kurama finished. "It was wrong of us to talk about plans without you. It was wrong of you to be so damn secretive that you started self-harm instead of trusting us with your pain. You still don't trust us, and to be honest it is hard to trust you to be honest about your limits and abilities right now. So, Yukina and I have a right to be worried. There, now everything is out in the open."

Hikari stared at Kurama, thoroughly surprised by how easily her verbally slapped her while still being so respectful. It was wrong for them to talk about her, but it was wrong for her to give them reason to not trust her. It was her fault. Shit. She slumped to the ground putting her head in her hands. Kurama smiled sadly at her and walked over to sit next to her, Yukina following his lead and settling on her other side.

"I know" Hikari mumbled. "I'm sorry. I have shit to deal with, okay? I. . . I admit that. Just. . . not now, please? Not until we find him. If. . . when" Hikari choked, " when we find him I promise I will put genuine energy into sorting things, okay? I promise" Hikari finished, sinking into herself, hating how weak she felt, and hating that she had just admitted it, and hating that it was so hard to tell people who obviously cared about her that she might not be okay.

"Yukina was suggesting earlier that you use both your link with Hiei and your knowledge of how he feels, to search for him as an empath, not with telepathy. Hiei told me is had been surprised by how easy it was to find your mind after such a long time when we were searching for you. Yukina thought, and I agree that it might be worth trying, that maybe, because of the bond you both shared, and your redeveloping of feelings for each other, you might be able to find him".

Hikari said nothing for a long while, to the point where Kurama was afraid she had not heard him at all. When Kurama touched Hikari's arm gently she flinched, and responded, "Okay, I will look for him. Give me the night to try, and I will let you know what I found in the morning."

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Yukina asked.

"Ummm. . . yea. Build a fire if you can, and keep it going through the night. Also if you could rotate shifts to keep watch that would be great. I don't think I can come back fast enough to help against an ambush of some kind."

"Maybe we should move into the forest, to shelter our position a bit" Kurama suggested.

"Or find a cave of some sort" Yukina offered.

"I think a cave might be a great idea, that way you will only have to guard one side of us vs. all sides" Hikari agreed.

"Then let's get searching, I want you to have as much time as possible to look for him. Actually, if you think you could manage it, and it wouldn't be too degrading, I would happily carry you on my back until we find a cave if you wanted to start looking for him now".

Hikari felt tired already, and was worried that this plan would take a lot of strength, so in spite of her desire to be strong, Hikari said, "Okay, I think that is a good idea."

Hikari strapped on the weapons Yukina had made her discard. Yukina volenteered to carry the bow since Hikari would not have a free hand. Hikari agreed, and was able to manage the other weapons herself. Kurama crouched down and with slight awkwardness Hikari leaned into Kurama, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. She let her heavy head lay on one of his shoulders.

"All set?" Kurama asked.

"Yea" Hikari replied, and without another word, sunk into herself.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Hikari cleared her mind, letting each wayward thought that came to her pass on without examination. She focused on what she knew of Hiei, choosing for the first time not to filter any of her thoughts or feelings, but to just let them all come. She saw his rare smirk of a smile, the sword calluses on his palms, and his deep crimson eyes. betraying that there was warmth under his cold exterior. She felt his tenderness from the past relationship, his protectiveness, and his passion, the surprising softness of his lips. She remembered the sacred beautiful of their intimacy, his tentative and tender touch, so different and so much more than she had expected. She heard the tremble in his voice the first time he told her he loved her and the relief he felt when she returned the sentiment. She felt the gentle pressure of his hand clasped in hers.

Moving on, Hikari immersed herself where their relationship soured, finding Hiei's overwhelming fear of attachment, fear of himself, and fear of love. She recalled all the mixed messages he sent her in their relationship, his confusion reflected in his actions. She dug into his self hatred and sense of worthlessness and abandonment. She tried to feel his body shaking as he shed enough tear gems to form her necklace. She imagined his love for Yukina and Kurama, his respect and caring for the team, and his hatred for the family and thieves who betrayed him.

Feeling her body shake with the weight of the emotion and the memories, Hikari took several deep breaths, told her body to calm down, and sunk deeper into finding Hiei, projecting all she had remembered and felt into an emotional image of Hiei. Hiei carried so much with him each day, so much depth of person that he constantly tried to keep from spilling out for others to see. He was a shocking mixture of strength and vulnerability, of self imposed loneliness and longing for closeness to another, of gentleness and coldness, of pride and self loathing, his hopefulness towards life sunk deeply by oceans of fear. Hikari reached out with her mind, power, and heart over the vastness of Makai to find a being from whom these emotions emanated.

Kurama tightened his grip on Hikari draped on his back as he and Yukina still journeyed to the cave. The forest they were now walking through was litered with foliage and stray roots to trip on, and the temperature of the air around them had dropped at least twenty degrees. However, Kurama doubted it was the temperature that gave Hikari's body the constant tremor it had for the last ten minutes or so. Concerned, and unable to get a good look at Hikari, Kurama looked at Yukina next to him and said, "How is she?"

Yukina's studied Hikari's face, eyes pinched tight and skin beaded with sweat. "Hanging on" Yukina replied, hoping to herself that her assessment was true. How are you?" Yukina asked, changing the subject, "will you let me carry some of your pack for you now? I know Hikari is not very heavy, but I am sure your back would be tired even by carrying a child this long".

Kurama realized his own face and body was soaked with sweat and his breathing was labored. He didn't want to put Hikari down until the reached the cave where he had the best chance of keeping her safe. If _Hiei lives through this and Hikari doesn't, Hiei would never forgive me_ Kurama thought to himself. Resigned, Kurama answered, "If you could, I am afraid it would be helpful, just for a little while. I don't want to put her down until we get to the cave".

"Of course" Yukina replied, taking the pack Kurama offered him and slinging it across right shoulder, opposite the pack of medical supplies on her left. Fortunately Kurama's bag of provisions was lightened already during the previous three days of their journey. After a few minutes of silence, Yukina voiced the question that she kept turning over in her head, "Kurama, why do you think Hiei left?"

Kurama sighed, this was the question also plaguing his own mind. "If we had found him already, I would have said he left out of the pain Hikari made him feel, both in making his greatest fear a reality and his comprehension of the agony he put her through, the woman he loves. I can only imagine his natural self loathing would have intensified to some extreme degree, causing him to go back to his ways of rejecting those who care about him because he believes he is unlovable. Maybe that was his original motive, to run away from what he could not bear to feel and face. But now it is apparent that he is hiding, that he doesn't not want to be found. The fact that he is still missing worries me. I don't know how much faith I have in his judgement in such a state. So, I suppose he probably left for the reasons I said, except that those reasons don't explain why we haven't found him."

"I wish he had given us a chance to show him that he is wrong. I mean, what he did was awful, but it was also between him and Hikari, you know? I care about him regardless of some of the decisions he has made, and regardless of him being the forbidden child because he is a good man underneath it all, you know?"

"Yea" Kurama said quietly, "I do know. He has saved my life many times over our years as friends. I think he is afraid sometimes to be good, because he thinks someone as cursed as him could never be good."

"What my people did was unforgivable. All he did was be born, and he didn't even have a say in that. I wish. . . I wish there was a way to help him know that we as his friends don't care about any of that. I wish. . . " Yukina sighed.

"I think that is why his relationship with Hikari scared him so much, because she did see past his mask and found him to be a good, though prickly, Hiei. I think he hurt Hikari to prove to himself that he is the monster he has always been labeled as."

"And to push her away" Yukina added, "Her leaving would prove to him that he isn't worthy of relationships and doesn't deserve them, I think. But at the same time, if anyone can prove him wrong, can get through to him that he does not have to be the monster he is accused of being, it is Hikari, especially now after what happened. If she can still genuinely love him, maybe he can believe he is lovable."

"I hope so."

"Oh, look up ahead, I think we have found our cave" Yukina said in triumph, "just beyond this grove of trees I think".

"Perfect, let's pick up the pace then, its starting to get dark" Kurama replied.

Though there were many beings in Makai, very few comparatively were capable of feeling all Hiei was at that moment. Hikari supposed Hiei had left because of his inability to control or hold back the emotions he was feeling, so as she searched, she looked for emotions that seemed patterned with rawness, and emotions anchored to experiences similar to those Hiei went through. Though Hiei wasn't the only demon to every undergo romantic drama, his particular experiences were colored with so much opposing emotions that Hiei pattern held more uniqueness than most.

As the time past, a voice in Hikari's head kept reminding her that she didn't know what she was doing, that this was a vain endevor and that Hiei was already gone. She ignored that fear, or at least tried to, but she couldn't help but be filled with continual urgency and growing frustration. _I can't loose him now_. She felt so close, as if she was right next to the rock he was hiding under. "Hiei!" Hikari pulsed, not with her mind, but with her own emotions. "HIEI JAGASHI, where are you, damn it!" and then finally in despair "I love you. . ." To her last pulse of emotion she felt a resonating pang from. . . from where? It almost felt too close. It felt like Hiei. Confused, Hikari lost her concentration, and began to wake up. She felt hard stone against her back and backside, indicating she was propped up against the cave wall Yukina and Kurama had evidently arrived at. She felt the warming fabric of a blanket around her shoulders and front. Her mouth felt dry and tired, and her body ached from the tension in her muscles, an unintentional side effect of concentrating so hard with her mind.

It wasn't until Hikari opened her physical eyes that she realized it, "Holy shit, no wonder I can't find him, he has been following us the whole time!" But what Hikari thought was a declaration, actually came out as a cracked and incomphensible string of sound to Kurama and Yukina.

"What's that Hikari?" Kurama and Yukina said, almost in unison.

"Water" Hikari croaked this time, and once understood, Kurama had her water bottle to her lips. Though she tried to drink slowing, Hikari still coughed and sputtered a bit from swallowing the water while trying to breathe. When she felt her mouth and throat lubriated enough Hikari tried her message again, "I have been having such a hard time finding him because I was searching for him outward and forward from out position, but Hiei has been following us the whole time, or at least for much of the time we have been in Makai. He's probably in the forest somewhere outside this cave".

"How do you figure that?" Kurama asked gently.

"I was getting frustrated and tired, I let too much of my own emotion creep into my search. At the end, rather than searching for his emotions, I projected my own out, my anger and fear and frustration and. . . at the end. . . my love for him. . ."

"We felt it also" said Yukina quietly.

" I think he expected the other emotions I sent out, so he didn't react, but my love took him off guard, and I felt a pang of his response afterward. He has been guarding himself so well, but no one else would have a response to my love colored with so much hurt, and disbelief and . . . longing as this was. We have to find him" Hikari declared, shooting to her feet. She regretted her speedy movement instantly as the resulting head rush made the world around her spin. Hikari closed her eyes to steady herself and opened them to find Yukina and Kurama at her sides. "Just stood up too fast" Hikari explained. "I'm fine. We have to get moving, we-"

"Are wanted by some very powerful people miss Hikari, people who are willing to pay us well" said a voice from the mouth of the cave, and as if from no where, a horde demons filled their exit way.

"Shit!" was all Hikari could manage. "Yukina, get behind me and pull out that dagger. Kurama?" but Hikari didn't need to say anymore, the red head beside her had drawn his rose whip and stood bracing himself for the demons' attack. Hikari only had one moment to curse her suggest that they hide in a cave because if its duel nature as a cage, before the demons slammed into her. Hikari had managed to grab her katana from the ground and have it up in defense, but that had cost her precious time, leaving her unprepared. She wasn't connected with her surrounds, she hadn't had the one moment she needed to gain her awareness of the enemy around her. Thus, what would have been an easy battle resulted in receiving many hits Hikari normally would have avoided. None of the demons were very strong and she had Kurama at her side, but Kurama seemed to be in the same position as she was, unprepared. He spun and lashed with his whip, taking down demon after demon. Hikari sliced heads and arms and legs from bodies, but it was all she could do to keep swinging. She didn't have a moment to take advantage of the shadows and darkness the cave had to offer, to summon up their strength and power. The waves of demons kept swarming her and Kurama. After Kurama fought several demons that were identical to each other he realized it, "Hikari, these are copies of the actually demons! See how easily they die? The real demons must be in this mess somewhere, try to see if you can locate demons that seem to have more depth to them!"

"I don't think they are in the cave. If I were them I wouldn't be, I would send my copies and stay away until the battle is decided." Hikari grimaced, knowing the could only keep up fighting this barrage of demons for so long. From a quick glace she saw Kurama had a wound to his left thigh that bleed freely, as well as several cuts along his arms where he must of have used them to deflect blows. Kurama was breathing hard, and Hikari was sure she also must be breathing hard, her tired body has its own share of cuts and scraped. Hikari staggered back as her head rang from a strong blow to her temple, her ears ringing in response. Yukina threw her knife at the demon attacking Hikari, trying to buy Hikari time to get her bearings. Slashing out wildly, Hikari battled on as she shouted, "Thanks Yukina, now stay back! You cannot die because of me!"

_If I believed in gods I would be praying right now _Hikari thought to herself, _we need a fucking miracle._

As if in answer to her thoughts, the demon horde in front of her began to disappear. Immediately she felt more than saw Kurama sink to the ground beside her. "Yukina, Kurama's leg, please so to it" she panted, standing in front of Kurama to defend them both. In a matter of minutes all the demon copies had disappeared or been slashed to oblivion by Hikari's blade. She spared a glance behind her to confirm Kurama and Yukina were relatively alright before sprinting to and out the mouth of the cave, towards Hiei. Hiei must have been the one to kill the original demons, effectively stopping the tide of demons coming at the trio. At first Hikari feared Hiei was going to disappear, to leap away into the night, and be gone forever. But no. . . he wasn't moving, he was waiting for her. She ignored her aching head as she dashed about the forest. After about a half a mile Hikari found him, slumped against a tree base, arms crossed, and head lowered.

Fear tore at her and ran with all her soul to him, falling to her knees next to him and throwing her arms around his neck, pulling the fire demon towards her, resting his head on her chest. Hiei didn't move, and he didn't struggling, just laid in Hikari's arms, seemingly emotionless. Hikari stroked his head and ran her fingers through his gravity defying hair, all the while whispering over and over again, "I love you, I love you."

After what seemed like hours, Hiei's beaten voice asked, "How?"

"How what, Hiei?"

"How could you love me?"

"You left before I could explain. I loved you in spite of what you did, or at least I grew to love you again. But I also needed you to understand what you did, because. . . I needed you to know. . . because. . . you needed to understand you cannot do it again."

"You should not love me after that."

"Hiei. . . what hurt most is that I didn't understand, that you were hurting and confused inside and never told me. We are both strong demons, when emotions are involved our power will inevitably get away from us. I know. . . I knew you didn't realize what you had done. . . but. . . and this is my fault. . . I needed you to be sorry before I could forgive you. I needed you to know with enough hurt that you wouldn't do that again. I needed you to know, so that I could trust you to look into me and find my love for you to be genuine, scarred, and bruised, but also genuine. And. . . I lost me temper. . . that night or I would never have let things happen the way the did. . . I am sorry I hurt you."

"You're. . . sorry?" Hiei said in disbelief.

"In showing you what you did to me, I did it to you. . . and that is unforgivable. . . and yet, I beg your forgiveness. There are so many awful and unflattering things me, I am not good or kind, I am easily hurt and rash and emotional and -" Hikari was cut off by very tentative lips pressing against hers. Though she rambled in moments of tension, Hiei always remained one of few words. But here, though this kiss, he said everything that needed to be said. It was long and sweet and tender, a kiss of new lovers taking a leap of faith.

A/N - Ummm, I am not planning on this being the end of the story, I dislike the idea of ending the story at a possibly happily ever after or a beginning. It will not be easy for Hikari and Hiei to reforge their relationship and learn to trust and open their bonds with each other again. Hikari has her demons of flashbacks, and self-harm to struggle against, and Hiei has demons of his own. Is there interest in me continuing the story this way, or will that just seem like I am trying to drag it out? Review if you have an opinion on this or anything else story related. Thanks!


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Hiei woke to warm wetness on his cheek, dog breath on his face, and to a beautiful laugh at the edge of his sleepy hearing. As he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes he hear Hikari say with a giggle, "Shadow, stop that right now! I told you to let Hiei sleep you silly!"

Hiei saw that Shadow was indeed a dog, a white wolfish sort of dog with deep brown eyes currently perched on his chest. Hikari lifted the creature from off him and put it on her lap as she took a seat on the bed Hiei was currently lying in, bed Hiei knew was not his own.

"Where am I?"

"My room" Hikari replied simply. "I couldn't exactly put you in yours and let you run off again when I wasn't looking. I figured my room would work just fine, only-".

"-you didn't take into account your curious puppy?"

"Exactly."

Hiei nodded, as he observed the room around him recognizing it from the few times he had been in it before. He moved himself into a sitting position, sliding the soft grey and black bedding down to his waist.

"Shadow's curiosity makes him a bit disobedient sometimes, but he is really great company for nightmares. . ." Hikari trailed off.

"Your nightmares started again after I. . . we. . . separated?"

"Yea, the night after, just my luck I guess" Hikari said, trying to shrug off the topic, and then realizing what she was doing, she stopped, thought for a moment and then continued, "I have been thinking that we need to start over, start us over again".

"We can't ignore everything that has happened, Hikari" Hiei replied matter of factly.

"Of course not, that's not what I mean" Hikari sighed, trying to gather her words. She scooted closer to Hiei on the bed and took his hand. Leaving her eyes glued to the bed sheets Hikari said, "If there is hope for me to ever trust anyone Hiei, it would be you. I don't know why, but I know it would be you. I agree that we have a lot of things to sort out, but I think we have to rebuild first. I don't think either of us will be able to be honest about our feelings or talk about some of the personal demons we are facing until we have learned to trust each other again. Does that make any sense?"

When Hiei didn't respond right away Hikari kept talking to fill the silence, "Like, maybe we should start by getting to know each other again, spending time together, and re-finding some of the good we have forgotten. Seeing if we still have something we want to last."

Hiei stroked Hikari's hand gently to show he was listening and with his other hand reached for a lock of her hair, tucking it behind her ear. _Damn, she was so beautiful. _Hiei cupped her face in his hands and pulled her head up gently to meet her eyes with his own. Her eyes were filled with love, and fear, and hurt, and hope. Then on impulse Hiei pressed his lips softly and quickly to Hikari's, moving away when she gasped in surprise.

"I think your idea is worth a shot. I don't think you should waste more time on me-"

"Hiei" Hikari cut in.

Putting up his finger to silence her Hiei finished with saying, "but I am glad you want to. I love you."

"I love you too." Hikari whispered, meeting Hiei's eyes on her own.

"What concerns me about your plan is what will happen to you in the mean time. This" Hiei said, tracing his fingers over Hikari's left arm and the marks he knew were hidden under the sleeve, "I can't stand by and watch it happen. I understand or at least I have guessed that for some reason doing that is giving you relief from something that is troubling you more than you can bear to face. I even have some guesses as to what that something is, BUT" Hiei continued, preempting Hikari's objection, "I think we can save the why for another time".

"I. . . don't know" Hikari replied, surprised to feel her body trembling.

"What else might help?" Hiei offered gently.

"I don't know".

"Running seemed to that one time" Hiei reminded her.

"Yea, I guess so."

"But?" Hiei prompted.

"I don't want to make a promise to stop and then break whatever fragile trust we do have when I fail."

Hiei didn't respond. The silence between them hung heavy in the air. Hikari felt she had to offer Hiei something but struggled to know what. Finally she said, "Let's play a game. We'll go back and forth admitting the things we both don't want to talk about, so those things are out in the open. Then if we find trust in each other again later we will have a place to begin. I'll start. I intentionally hurt myself to avoid feeling emotions and seeing things I cannot handle".

_Seeing things? _Hiei thought, but outwardly he only nod and offered, "I pretend I don't feel anything or care about anyone because it is easier that having people I care about."

And as if a dam was broken admonitions spilled out of both demons as if they had privately been yearning to voice their concerns out loud.

"I am afraid of getting close to other people because I don't know what I will do if I lose them" Hikari said.

"I am afraid of losing you" Hiei countered.

"I don't know how to move on from your betrayal at the end of our last time together."

"I can never forgive myself for what I and the Darkness Dragon did it you."

"I am afraid to sleep at night because of what I will see in my dreams."

"I have been consumed with loneliness my whole life, except the time I had with you as my mate."

"I don't care if I live or die, my life is meaningless".

"I don't think I am worth loving or living. Everyone who says otherwise is probably lying. My life is a mistake, my existence is forbidden" Hiei mumbled, fixing his eyes on the grey wall.

Hikari forced a sob away at Hiei's frank declaration and tried to speak, "I. . ." but her confession about the flashbacks got stuck in her throat. Everything else Hiei could have already known or guessed, but this she had hidden from everyone. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, in and out several times before saying "I starting cutting because I am haunted by the abuse of the torture at Demon City. I relive it again and again, Part of me believes I am still trapped there, and this here with you and Koenma and the team is the fiction in my head. I am afraid I will never be free."

Hiei couldn't help his sharp intake of breath. This had been her big secret and it was horrific for someone who had suffered so much to be enduring so much more. Out of things to say Hiei wrapped his arms around Hikari and pulled her into him, laying her head on his chest and ran his hands though her hair. _She probably doesn't even realize she is shaking_ Hiei thought.

Awhile passed with the two demons tucked into each other on Hikari's bed. Kurama knocked on the door to Hikari's bedroom. When there was no response he hesitated before twisting the door knob and slipping inside. On the bed he saw Hikari and Hiei both sound asleep entangled in each other's arms. As silently as he came, Kurama left, deciding it was not worth waking them for a dinner that could always be reheated.

Hiei woke to a dark room and pained moans. After a moment he remembered where he was and realized it was Hikari who was moaning and _crying?_ Her face was wet with tears. On past instinct Hiei wrapped his arms around Hikari, put his mouth near her ear and whispered, "Shhh. . . you are safe in the arms of one who loves you" and as an afterthought added a new line, "I am real". Hiei continued by making nonsensical soothing noises before repeating his message again. Hikari's body relaxed into him and quieted. Hiei lay with her in his arms and drifted back to sleep thinking, _this is where we belong._

The next time Hiei woke it was again to something very close to his face. Lips kissed his nose playfully, then his forehead, then each of his eyes, and finally his mouth by which point he was awake enough to return her kiss. Rolling on top of Hikari, Hiei deepened their kiss with both gentleness and passion. When they parted to breathe Hiei moved his head to kiss down Hikari's neck and collar bone, feeling her body tense and excite at his touch. Hiei grinned happily in the knowledge that at least this sweet spot of Hikari's had stayed the same. Hikari's hands ran themselves up and down Hiei's back as she moaned in a very different way than she had in her nightmare. Hiei kept kissing Hikari's body until he got to her breasts, remembering what they had once looked like without clothing covering them. Hiei tempered his desire telling himself that clothing on was needful now, sex at this point would be empty in comparison to the love making they had once shared. Suddenly worried Hiei shot up and looked into Hikari's eyes saying, "I'm sorry, is this too fast? I guess I got carried away. . .it's been so long. . ."

Hikari grinned slyly, "Well I did say we should try to start over from the beginning right? If I recall correctly this is about how things were when we first met, during the fires of demon mating season".

Hiei felt himself brake out into his own grin at the memory. "Yes indeed."

A knock on Hikari's bedroom door made both Hiei and Hikari jump, disentangling themselves from each other as the door opened and Kurama popped his head in. Realizing what he had interrupted and their attempts to cover it up Kurama smiled broadly and said, "when you two are. . . ready. . . there is some food for you".

As if in reply Hikari's stomach growled loudly. Hikari and Hiei grinned at each other like children before calling the faces into more stoic expressions. "Thank you Kurama" Hikari said, suppressing a giggle, "We will be down soon, probably after a shower".

As Kurama's raised an eyebrow in her direction Hikari threw a pillow lamely at him, and blushed madly as she said, "Separately perv! Geeze!"

"Awww" Kurama and Hiei said at the same time, which only added heat to Hikari's blush.

"Get out you two pigs!" Hikari said with fake indignation. Kurama smiled as he closed the door behind him. Hiei stood up from the bed, gave Hikari one last peck on her cheek, and went to the door after Kurama. But before Hiei left the room completely he turned around and said, "You know Hikari, I think with all this warm weather we have been having you should keep your window unlocked, just in case you have a sudden _passion_ for some fresh air".

Hikari buried her face in the nearest pillow to hide her blush, and Hiei simply winked before exiting the room, glad that Hikari realized the same thing he had - their rooms were in close enough proximity that the windows could be a useful discrete method of travel, and for Hiei, an opportunity to help Hikari ease out of her nightmares. He had never told her, but her presence brought peace to his own dreams. _Another thing I will have to admit to her in this new honestly thing,_ Hiei thought, _she is not the only one of us whose sleep is haunted by demons._ With a bitter sweet smile Hiei opened and closed the door to his own room, there would be time yet, time enough for all.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Hikari enjoyed a long warm shower, humming to herself happily. She and Hiei still had so long to go, but now they had a direction and they were moving there. There was hope.

Hikari stood in the shower until her hands became pruny, enjoying the hot water running over her skin. Finally she turned off the water and toweled her pink skin dry. Walking over to her closet she chose a purple tunic dress with a tie in front, long flowing sleeves, and high slits as well as a pair of black jean shorts to go under the tunic. Hikari took a rare moment to dab on a bit of make-up, and a squirt of perfume under her neck and behind her ears.

Hikari left her room, closing the door behind her and started down the hallway, only to realize that Hiei had been waiting for her, dressed in his usual becoming black, hair still damp from his own shower, but just as gravity defying as always. She couldn't help smiling at him, _damn he is hott. _Feeling playful Hikari turned towards Hiei and offered him a wobbly curtsy. Hiei raised his eyebrow in confusion but once he met Hikari's mischievous eyes, he offered her a gentlemanly bow. Silently the linked arms and walked down to to the kitchen together. As if they had decided upon it before hand, when they neared the kitchen they both dropped their arms and defaulted to walking side by side. _Everything is just so new again, _Hikari said to Hiei through their reforged mental link. _I know. I feel the same. The bakas will have plenty of time to make jokes in the future, no need for them to start now._

Upon entering the kitchen Hikari was surprised to see everyone was there. Glancing at the clock she realized it was breakfast time, which explained the contradictory smells of meat, vegetables and rice with pancakes and syrup. There were enough people in the house who enjoyed a traditional Japanese breakfast and enough who enjoyed American style breakfast that Kurama would often make some of both when there was time. Hikari walked over to Kurama, outfitted in his pink apron by the stove and hugged him saying, "Thank you for breakfast, and thank you for everything else".

"The pleasure is always mine, Hikari. My friends are most important to me."

_Friends, _Hikari pondered the word. _Yes, I think I would indeed like to call Kurama my friend. _"Do you need any help cooking?" Hikari offered.

"Hmmm, I don't think so. I suppose you could add some tea bags to the kettle, I think the water is hot enough now. But other than that feel free to sit down and be lazy for a minute."

Hikari smiled and replied, "Okay".

Hikari made the tea, poured herself a cup, and then took a seat at the table next to Yukina and Yusuke. Yukina smiled at Hikari with a slight uncharacteristic rolling of her eyes. It took a moment for Hikari to realize that on either side of her and Yukina was a teenage boy stuffing his face.

"Food seems to be the only thing that keeps Kuwabara from paying attention to you" Hikari joked to Yukina.

"That it does" Yukina smiled fondly at her distracted boyfriend.

Hikari caught Keiko's eye, who as sitting on the other side of Yusuke, non-pulsed at Yusuke's table manners. Then all at once Keiko, Yukina, and Hikari burst out laughing at the amusing situation.

Realizing all three girls were look at them, Yusuke and Kuwabara said "What?!" almost simultaneously with mouths full of pancakes. Their indignation just made the three girls laugh harder until Hikari lapsed into a coughing laugh and had to stop to take a sip of her tea.

_I don't eat like that, _Hiei said defensively in Hikari's mind.

_No, Dear One, you don't. That is why we are not laughing at you._

_Dear One? _Hiei replied questioningly.

_Yea, _Hikari blushed.

_I like it, _Hiei assured her. _I like it, Angel._

Hikari's blush deepened. She picked up her tea cup in order to have something else to look at other than Hiei's mesmerizing crimson eyes.

Breakfast continued with the usual commotion and banter around the table. Hikari was so wrapped up in the goings on that she didn't notice her headache begin. Hikari found herself enjoying everyone's company, and feeling grateful that instead of discussing what happened on the Hiei rescue mission, everything had returned to normal. She felt comfortable with this lot of strange people, and began to consider what it might be like to let these people fill the holes in her heart and life.

Hikari felt her stomach tighten suddenly and saw a picture flash before her eyes. _Why here?! Why now? _Hikari swallowed hard and focused on her breathing. No good, the flashback would not be delayed. Instead Hikari stood up from the table with the visible intention of walking over to the sink to rinse her dishes. When she got there she only had a moment to put her plate down and turn on the water before she was somewhere else.

Hiei watched Hikari stand up suddenly from the table and without a word, bring her half eaten plate towards the sink. _That's odd. Hikari hates wasting food. Or at least Hikari use to hate watching food._ Hiei followed her with his eyes, hiding the direction of his stare underneath his bangs. Hikari put her plate in the sink, turned on the water, and began to wash it, or began to appear that she was washing it except that instead of in the sink washing her hands were gripping the rim of the sink's basin, white knuckled. Hiei waited a minute and then two for Hikari to move, but she did not. No one else seemed to notice anything was off. Discretely Hiei stood up himself and made his way slowly over to the sink.

Hikari found herself in cold room, void of any light and stinking of death. Her arms and legs were shackled, holding her body against the wall and about a foot off the ground. Her muscles ached at the strain of being suspended off the ground and trying to hold herself in just the right position to keep the shackles from digging into the tender skin at her wrists and ankles. There was no light to make shadows she could manipulate. Instead of aiding her the darkness around her was suffocating. She was defenseless. Fear choked her and she tasted bile climbing up her raw throat. Hikari blinked over and over again, trying to clear her vision, to bring her back to the kitchen that faded farther and farther away from her. Despair crept into her mind._ Make it stop! Where is a knife? Help me! I'm trapped. . . they have won. . . I will never be free. _Hikari sunk into herself until she felt a gentle pressure around her waist from behind her. _I have no shackle around my waist, so what is this pressure?_ _Arms? _They smelled of Hiei. Hikari shook herself, sure she was imagining his timely rescue as she had over and over again during the torture. Then she heard his voice in her ear, "Hikari, I love you and you are safe. I am here in the kitchen. You are here with me. I am real."

Hikari blinked again and this time saw the sink in front of her, white and gleaming, filling with water because her plate was blocking the drain. Quickly Hikari moved the plate and watched as the water sink down into the drain. Grabbing the soap and a scrubbie Hikari washed her dishes clean, and any other dish in arm's reach. All the while Hiei still hugged her from behind, silent, but real. He was real. The kitchen was real. The hot water in the sink showed it was real.

_Are you going to be alright now?_ Hiei spoken telepathically to Hikari.

_I. . . yes. . . thankyou, _Hikari answered before quivering out her own question, _Did you see anything? Did you see any of. . ._

_The flashback?_ Hiei supplied. _No, I did not. If the time comes when I should see it, you will show me._

Their mental conversation was interrupted by Yusuke's wolf whistle in their direction. "Having a romantic moment by the sink guys?" Yusuke joked.

Since neither Hikari nor Hiei were practiced in taking jokes, Hei dropped his arms from around Hikari while the both stared at Yusuke, utterly embarrassed.

"Not as romantic a moment as you and Keiko were having in bed last night!" Kuwabara jeered to Yusuke, quickly getting up from the table and out of the reach of Yusuke's punch.

The embarrassment moved to Yusuke and their conversation devolved into a wrestling match between Kuwabara and Yusuke, while the on looking occupants of the kitchen table errupting into various decreases of laughter from giggles to an all out guffaws.

Hikari looked to the door longingly, wanted so badly to get away from them all, to retreat into her room and her solitude where only she knew how weak she was. And yet, Hiei saw her weakness and he had not left her in disgust. He. . . had helped her. . . he had brought her back faster than she had even been before. Somehow he had known just what to say. Hikari felt ashamed that she needed Hiei, but also couldn't help but feel so much relief that she was not alone anymore. What the implications of not being alone were, what it could mean for her future, she decided to contemplate at a later time. Instead she pushed away the memory and coldness of the flashback, found a smile to put on as Yusuke and Kuwabara battled it out, and began to gather other dishes to put away.

"Hmmm" Hikari said with a forced mischievous grin, "I think since everyone has left the table that means everyone is done eating, so I should start putting the food away."

Following her lead, everyone bolted up from the table and began carrying all the American breakfast foods away. Hikari counted down the time it would take Yusuke and Kuwabara to register what she was doing. . . three. . . two. . . one. . . "Hey! I'm not done with those pancakes yet!" Yusuke exclaimed, shoving Kuwabara's foot out of his face. This got Kuwabara's attention who immediately said, "Wait a sec, I just want one more piece of bacon!"

"Oh really?" Hikari said with playful mocking. "It looks like you are all done to me."

In a second flat both Kuwabara and Yusuke had returned to their places at the table and were looking up at Hikari with pleading faces. Hikari smirked at them, and then put the plate of bacon she was holding back on the table. Kurama returned with the pancakes and syrup, struggling to keep a serious expression on his face.

"Be careful, when you get up from the table and start playing, it sends the message you are finished with the meal. Next time you get up before you are finished you will have to wait all the way until lunch to eat anymore." Kuwabara's and Yusuke's faces fell at this inconceivable punishment and both nodded their heads vigorously at Hikari as she left the table and returned to doing dishes.

"That" Kurama whispered to Hikari, "was one of the funniest things I have ever seen."

"I aim to please" Hikari smiled back.

_If you act that way with our children, _Hiei said mentally,_ they will be perfectly disciplined before they can walk._

_Our children?_ Hikari stammered, red blush painting her cheeks and ears.

"Is something wrong?" Kurama who as still standing next to Hikari asked.

"No. No no no no. No. I'm great. Nothing's wrong." Hikari rambled, still beat red. "I think some fresh air would be just great right now, so excuse me" Hikari finished, retreating from the room.

Hiei grinned, watching Hikari leave. He helped finish the rest of the kitchen clean up before going to find his blushing onna, still grinning at her embarrassment.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N - I miss this story, and I am looking for more distractions in my life so I want to resume writing it. If any of my old readers have not give up on me, then please enjoy, new readers are welcome. I am in the process of editing some of the old chapters, mechanical stuff mostly. Thank you for your patience, my dyslexia does not affect my imagination and ideas, but it does have a certainly amount of sway over the clarity of how those ideas come across. Perhaps I will invest in a beta. Enjoy.

The rest of the day passed quietly. With no current mission from Koenma each member of the team was left to their own devices for the day. Once Hikari got her blushing under control she came back inside and dressed for her first day of training in awhile. Though she had been medically cleared by Yukina to start training before she had left on her search for Hiei, Hikari had had no time to do any. She craved the physical exertion to ground her mind. Her mind whirled with too many things she did not want to process and think about, so she threw herself into training. Dressed in a long sleeved black hoodie, and short black workout shorts, Hikari made her way to an area of the training ground that was less used by the others. She didn't want to be watched by the others, or told constantly that she needed to take it easy or to rest. Being babied was the last thing she needed right now. Instead she briefly stretched her tight muscles and took off at a run around her forested training course.

Shizuru and Keiko had gone into town for work, but both promised to come back later in the evening. Botan had smiled at everyone, hopped on her oar, and gone to escort those who passed on today to the spirit world. Kurama spent the day in his greenhouse, nursing his variety of demonic and venomous blooms. Kuwabara and Yusuke got into another wrestling match soon after breakfast, and went outside to settle the issue, which turned into their own training session together. Hearing their yells and exclamations from far off, Hikari shook her head and wondered, _is the 'mine is bigger than yours' rivalry something that guys are born with, or are they just quick studies in self importance?_

Hiei returned to his room and paced, allowing his concern and trepidation to finally have an outlet. He stressed about his relationship with Hikari and the best way to help her and to earn her forgiveness. Worrying and caring so much about one onna still scared him. Allowing himself to have love for anyone, except perhaps Kurama, was so against his nature that it made his insides squirm, and yet, yet this was Hikari. If there was anyone in the world he could love, it would be her. His thoughts settled on the woman he had come to cherish so deeply. _How do I keep her talking to me instead of retreating when she has a flashback? I know we have to rebuild the trust that we broken, but she needs to be able to trust me NOW if I am going to be able to help her. _

Hiei sighed and settled himself on his window seat in his room, looking out over the yard, and sharpening his senses to keep an eye on Hikari's training. The more he watched, the more his concern rose. _She's working too hard, she is tiring herself out too much, _Hiei raged, and jumped to his feet to put an end to her training. But just as quickly as his rage came, he forced himself to pour a bucket of cold water over it. _If I treat her like a child, it would cause her to resent my interference just as surely as it would if she acted so towards me. I cannot control her life, and cannot control her trust. All I can do is show her that she can depend on me, and try to deal with my own demons so I don't hurt her again. _

Hikari ran until her hips began to complain about their continuous over rotation. She had not measured the distance of her run, but at her current pace, she had probably ran around 20 miles in the last few hours. After ascending a particularly tall hill, she slowed her pace to a walk, and then stopped altogether to lean against a tree. Her legs would be feeling this run tomorrow for sure.

Her pause in running was just enough that the exercise no longer distracted her from melting pot of thoughts boiling in her head. She was so angry at herself for not being able to control the flashbacks, angry that her way of control through self-harm had been found out, and angry that she had been so weak as to use such a method in the first place. _I have Hiei now_ Hikari told herself, but right after the thought she felt loathing bubble up inside of her at the idea that she of all people had to be dependent upon another. _Trust is for the weak, that is what I have always believed. Am I so weak as to need to trust someone?! I am supposed to be the strong one. Hiei has his own deep struggles, I should be helping HIM, and not be constantly on the edge of falling apart._

Hikari reached for her belt knife almost instinctually. When she realized what she was doing she froze, the blade suspended in her hands. _Just a few marks, and this turmoil of emotions will subside, and I will be in control again. _She pulled up the sleeve of her hoodie, and pressed the silver to her left arm. _NO! I cannot restart my relationship with Hiei like this. I cannot rebuild trust if I am already trying to hide things from him. _She sat there for a long time, blade in hand, shaking with indecision, nausea clawing at her stomach, and bile rising to her throat. After what felt like hours she found the courage to roll down her sleeve again, and put the belt knife back in its sheath. With her head spinning she closed her eyes and let the darkness of exhaustion take her.

To find calm and focus, Hiei had retreated into a meditative state for most of the afternoon, sending threads of his awareness out around him, noticing everything but focusing on nothing. Around 4pm he was startled out of this state by a knock on his bedroom door. Dragging his mind back to the present, he moved his body out of his seiza position and opened his door to Hikari standing there, eyes fixed upon the floor in front of her. Curious and slightly concerned, Hiei gestured for his onna to enter. He settled himself on his window seat, but instead of looking out the window, he kept his focus in the room, trying to show his mate that she had his full attention, without making her feel nervous. Whatever she wanted to say was weighing heavily on her mind.

After a few minutes, Hikari swallowed her fear and spoke, "I have been doing some thinking today, regardless of how I tried to avoid doing so. I don't want to be your mate in the state that I am, I am far too weak – I cannot be strong and I have little support to offer you. If things stay as they are, I feel like any relationship we have will center around my issues and needs, while you are left to deal with yours alone. I don't want that. I get that I am not the only one who has been broken here, and I don't want to burden you with my. . . my shit when you have already more than your fair share to deal with. Maybe after I get things sorted, we can try again or. . ." Hikari's voice faded off, not knowing what else to say.

Hiei remained silent for a while and then said with as much kindness as he possessed, "Can you get things 'sorted' on your own? Your mind betrays that today was hard for you, and I don't think that difficulty will resolve itself with time alone. Dealing with things on your own, how long would it take for you to return negative solutions and shut me out? Can postponing the emotions you don't want to face bring you healing?"

"I. . . I don't know. I guess I will find out. But it is not right for me to be so needy. If I can't get things worked out, then I am not worthy of our relationship, I am not worthy of you."

Hiei fought both to smile and to roll his eyes at his beautiful baka of an onna, but restrained himself, knowing that not long ago he had struggled with the same emotions. Instead he settled on saying, "Many years ago, when Kurama and I were first forging a friendship we were both suffering from the baggage our previous lives had given us to carry. In my shame of my perceived weakness, I tried to reject Kurama's friendship. Somehow the stupid fox figured out what I was up to and told me simply, 'Sometimes we give and receive comfort, at the same time'. I don't think I really understood him until now."

"I don't understand."

Hiei took a deep breath of his own, fighting against his aversion to expressing emotional things, and his dislike of extended conversation. This conversation was more important that his social ineptitude. If he wasn't careful, he would lose his mate tonight.

Hiei thought about asking Hikari leading questions to get his point across, but decided he didn't want to leave room for misunderstanding and took a direct approach. "Last night" he began, "when we were admitting, as you called it, the things we didn't want to talk about, but would need to talk about eventually in our relationship, there was sort of a trend in my ummm, comments. The darkness that I face has to do with the abandonment I endured as a child, and my resulting certainty that I cannot be loved. One who cannot be loved has no worth. What I did to hurt you in a way confirmed my perception that no one should love me, that my life is not worth such kindness."

Hikari's heart broke at her mates words, and before she could think better of it, she has crossed the room and put her arms around him, resting his head on her chest. Hiei allowed himself a moment of indulgence, basking in her calming scent, her tenderness, her beauty, and the feeling of safety he felt around her before continuing. His onna was incredible.

"I think I understand the feelings you have expressed tonight" Hiei said, moving his head enough to look into Hikari's beautiful blue-grey eyes. "What I think might make a difference in your feelings is your understanding that helping you in turn helps me. If you let me in, and let me support you, you will be showing me that my fears and concerns are flawed, that though I am not worthy, there is someone who can love me, and if she is brave enough to love me, I might be able to be brave enough to love her back."

Hikari opened her mouth in what Hiei knew was some sort of objection and pressed on before she could voice it, "I don't think the demons you face now with triumph over you forever, I believe in your strength to conquer all opponents who stand in your way. No, I do not expect you to conquer them right away, neither of us know how you could do that. I do not think you will be free from slip-ups, but I think you will win in the end. Your ordeal in the woods today shows that you had an interest in trying to fight it, at least in that moment."

Hiei shifted himself to be holding Hikari instead, giving her time to think over what he had said, and taking a moment to not be talking. He had fought his natural resistance to talking about personal things tonight, but it had not been easy or particularly pleasant, just necessary. He marveled about how his love for the woman in his arms had begun to change him.

Hikari pulled her knees into her chest and rested her head on top of them. If Hiei had been so open and forthcoming, she owed him the same. She knew how hard this conversation must be for him to be having.

"I am afraid" Hikari said, swallowing audibly in her suddenly dry mouth. "I want what you have said to be true, but as you have also said, I have no idea how to conquer these flashbacks, I have only succeeded in finding ways to run away from them, and those ways are not particularly health either I suppose" Hikari continued, unaware that she was rubbing her left arm. "I appreciate your support and confidence in me, but I don't know if I can win this fight, and I can't stand the thought of hurting you if I lose."

There was another period of silence as Hiei tried to genuinely consider Hikari's fear. "I think I would be hurt most by secret keeping, by you being in pain and not telling me. But I don't want to make you feel suffocated by my concern, or overwhelmingly guilty when you slip. I think one of the reasons this is so hard is because you keep it such a dark secret. I don't think you realize that I, and probably the others too, think it is completely understandable that going through such abuse and torture as you did would have some lasting effects."

Hiei laced his hand in Hikari's, gentle stroking her thumb with his. "What if you report to me every night about how things had gone during the day, with the understanding that I will understand there will be days you will report that you stumbled. I promise to not take those days personally."

"I would be so ashamed" Hikari responded, failing to keep a small quiver out of her voice.

"Maybe at first, maybe for awhile. The hope would be that if we keep your struggles from being a dark secret, the days you need to depend upon hurting yourself will get less, as you learn that I and the others are here to support you. Maybe your flashbacks will never go away, that is a risk I am willing to take in our relationship. If you were whole and perfect, I don't think we would be matched well as mates. We are matched well because we both know profound suffering."

This last was too much for Hikari, and she collapsed into heart broken sobs. Hiei rubbed her back as she cried herself out. He did not know exactly what Hikari was feeling, but he understood she was overwhelmed and let her cry.

Hikari wanted to cry, to cut, to run, and to be held in Hiei's arms forever all at the same time. The weight of her sobs and her emotions wore out her tired body, and she drifted off to sleep, still in Hiei's arms. Hiei closed his own eyes, allowing himself to sink into his own sleep-like meditative state. A hour passed before Hikari stirred in Hiei's arms, and when he opened his eyes, his crimson eyes were met by the blurry blue-grey of his mate's eyes.

"I'll try" Hikari whispered, her voice raw from crying. "I don't know what will happen, but I know I want to try."


End file.
